How many friends are you willing to lose for a girl?
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Posted on May 16, 2005 09:48 am
ZX6R1033
Perdido
Member Since: Dec 15, 2004
So... here is what happened to me this weekend. I need an opinion on what everyone else would do, given my situation.
My (supposedly) best friend Josh and his girlfriend Marissa were envited to spend the day with a few of my other friends and me for the day on saturday. FYI: saturday was my birthday.
Marissa could not, as she was supposed to be leaving for vacation on friday night.
Well, her flight was cancled on account of engine trouble with the plane, and she ended up comming home saturday morning. She called josh and told him that he should spend the day with her, since she didnt know when she would be leaving again. (this was only a 1 week vacation. It just so happens that Josh had previously made plans with me... a month ago, to be exact. She knows this, but she is quite selfish. Instead of being a NORMAL human being and joining in, she makes the decision that she and josh need to be alone that day?!?!
OK, so... Josh ends up going out to eat with us on saturday. We get back about 2:00PM, and there is a car packed in his driveway in front of his 4-wheeler that he is selling. he says " I dont know whos car that is, maybe someone is looking at the 4-wheeler. I will be right back."
so, he walks down across the lawn to his house, which is right next door to mine, and talks to the guy who is looking at his quad. after that guy leaves, josh goes into his house. About 4 minutes later, Marissa shows up. I did not hear another word from him after that.
After I went to bed that night, josh came up and got his bike out of our garage and left. He never called, never came back, never did anything after that.
My question is this... What would you do if you were in MY shoes? I have had friends like this my whole life, and it is more of a pain in the *** than it is worth. Obviously he is in love with her for whatever reason.. and it most likely will not change
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May 16, 2005 09:58 am If I was you, I wouldn't really let it bug you, doesn't sound like that big of a deal, if he is whipped it's his problem, not yours, if he chose to spend the day with his girlfriend, that was his decision to make.
Doesn't sound like a big deal to me, when I was younger the girlfriend/boyfriend thing came between all sorts of plans all the time. It's up to each person to set their priorities for themselves...even if you disagree with them, it's not really your decision.
In my opinion.
ZX6R1033PerdidoMember
Since: Dec 15, 2004
May 16, 2005 10:03 am but it affects me just as much... can i handle having a friend i cant rely on? not really.
vdalehubbardLost for words with all to say.Contributor
Since: Sep 12, 2003
May 16, 2005 10:24 am Sounds typical. The girlfriend just came home after not seeing her boyfriend for a week. The guy already has plans with his bud that she knows about but yet that doesn't matter to her. This is how women work, they want to be number one. If they are not number one, they will pitch a fit until they are. The reasonable thing here of course would of been for her to come along since plans where made and she wants to see her boyfriend. Like dB said, it's his problem and decision. If it's serious, you won't see much of him with her around and that is how it goes.
My buddy and I used to do things every weekend and such. We both didn't have girlfriends and did whatever we want. We talked about how we shouldn't let our mate control every aspect of our life to where we can't do anything. They should be willing to come along also and we (the men) go along with her on some of her stuff. it's always going to be 100% to 100%, never 50% to 50%. But now, my buddy got involved with a chick that is over 10 years older then him. He was 19 at the time, she was in her early 30's and has a 4 year old son. Haven't talked to him in over a year since the first day they were "official". Sad, very sad. Can't get ahold of him and he doesn't come around. They got engaged a while back. Do you think he even bothered to call me to tell me? Nope, heard from a friend of a friend of mine. Like he just dropped off the face of the planet.
May 16, 2005 10:52 am ZX6R1033, what you are saying doesn't make him not a friend, or, even not reliable. It's relative...is he unreliable cuz he couldn't party with you on your birthday? That's hardly that important...I judge the reliability of friends by if they are there when I need them, not when I want them...
In a way, if you are gonna be a pain in the *** about it, doesn't that make you sorta not a friend too? Second guessing your friends judgement. Friends don't owe friends justification for their decisions.
I consider Noize2u one of my closest friends, we have had to bail out on each other for various reasons, and actually really only get together for beers once every couple of months or so, or, if an HRC member happens to be visiting the Twin Cities we try to get out to meet them...regardless, I know if I am REALLY in trouble, or really in need, he would be there, and I would for him...THAT'S what friendship is about, not goofy little playdates...which, sorry if you disagree, but I consider birthdays playdates at the age I am at...after 19 it stopped mattering to me.
Another of my closest friends lives in Houston, I see him maybe twice a year, talk to him on the phone maybe once a month, but I still know he is one of those that I can count on, and that I would drop everything to help if he needed it...
I dunno, just my two cents...sorry if it offends, but that's how I look at friendship.
A relationship isn't about all your friends being happy with her, it's about him being happy with her...and even if you say "well, hes not", then, again, that's his problem.
ZX6R1033PerdidoMember
Since: Dec 15, 2004
May 16, 2005 10:55 am Sounds typical. The girlfriend just came home after not seeing her boyfriend for a week. The guy already has plans with his bud that she knows about but yet that doesn't matter to her.
If only she HADN'T seen him for a week...
oh no... she left on Friday, and returned on my birthday (the next day) due to the flight canelation.
HuePinnipedal Czar (: 3= Member
Since: Apr 11, 2004
May 16, 2005 01:04 pm Yeah, this isn't something to write off a friend for . Just seems like he'd rather get laid, then goof off on your B-day . As dB said, prorities .
Don't be too mad, as you probably can't compete with resorces like that . ; ) Give him a chance to make it up to you, or at least fill you in on the gory details .
Happy belated-birthday man !
ZX6R1033PerdidoMember
Since: Dec 15, 2004
May 16, 2005 01:25 pm I've heard all the gory details. As in... there have been none for 7 months.
my birthday was not simply a party nor a goof-off day. What pisses me off is not the fact that she was chosen over me, but that he bailed on plans we had made a month before... and that she had done what she did. I do not understand the logic behind all who feel that this is right in any way. but whatever. I shouldnt have posted about it anyway.
May 16, 2005 01:53 pm Hey...if you can't vent your frustrations here...where can you?
I wonder how your friend feels about this. Did he feel pressured by his girlfriend to spend the day with her instead of you? Would he have rather gone ahead with plans to celebrate your birthday with you, but his girlfriend put her foot down?
I can understand the way you are feeling. I have the perspective of time (age) on my side, but it seems to me that friends come and friends go, and they never really stop being your friends, they just sort of develop other interests. As long as you have something in common, you'll always be friends.
If it were me, I would confront him on it and find out what the deal was. Why he ditched you for his woman. But I wouldn't dwell on it...it was his loss, not yours.
Jim
May 16, 2005 01:57 pm Well, I wouldn't say you shouldn't have posted, I can certianly understand the frustration, as I have had it happen to me, and most anyone here I would bet has as well.
But still, it's what I said, it's him choosing her, it's his call.
Honestly, I used to get bent about stuff like this when I was a teenager, but through the years I have just learned that not everything goes according to plan. It's really not a big deal, if you make it a big deal, then that's on you.
Also, he may have very well figured, once she's gone for a week he has a few days to hang out with the boys...
Don't let it eat you up...I am a big fan of not sweating the small stuff...it sounds as though this was small...in the big picture anyway.
May 16, 2005 02:06 pm explain what happens here?:
"so, he walks down across the lawn to his house, which is right next door to mine, and talks to the guy who is looking at his quad. after that guy leaves, josh goes into his house. About 4 minutes later, Marissa shows up. I did not hear another word from him after that"
i really got lost here. sounds like josh went with you guys to eat after all and didnt tell you marissa was going to stop by later. then she arrived and josh just kind of didnt come back out of the house again? why did he go in the house in the first place? what exactly happened in this paragraph?
May 16, 2005 02:07 pm yeah, that kind of confused me too, but I just rolled with it, assuming he got the ultimatum in the house...
ZX6R1033PerdidoMember
Since: Dec 15, 2004
May 16, 2005 02:36 pm That paragrah described exactly as it happened. He said he would be right back... and never came back.
It is frustrating because she was envited to come along, but in her selfishness decided not to, and got pissed at Josh for not just simply abandoning me to begin with. (which, eventually, she got her way anyway.)
I am making every effort to include her, because I realize she is a big part of his life. She is making every effort to get rid of me, so she can be the ONLY part of his life, and he is ******* letting it happen!! This is not small, as far as I am concerned. I have seen it happen over and over, and I am completely unwilling to invest any more time into a friendship that eventually will end up exactly as the rest of them have. just my two cents.
May 16, 2005 03:29 pm Well, I have a couple of thoughts...not that you will want to hear them both.
1- That last statement makes you sound as selfish as she does. If it happens over and over, well, roll over and deal with the fact that serious relationships will ALWAYS over-ride "guy stuff". Cuz that's the way it is.
2- It is text behavior of potentially abusive mates to first isolate their victims from their friends. Nothing you have said indicates "abuse" so to say, however, you also stated "he is letting it happen"...which tells me that he is happy, or co-dependent. One of the two. If co-dependent, well, there isn't anything anyone can ever do until he sees it. If he is happy, how about growing up, accepting it, and being supportive and happy for him. That is what a friend would do.
And besides, the "honeymoon" doesn't last forever...which it sounds like he is currently in, the honeymoon stage...
Of course, my response may sound harsh, and I hope you take it in the light intended, not as a direct slam, but come on, how is you being mad about his choosing her girlfriend any less selfish than the girlfriend telling him to spend the time with her before she leaves on vacation?
I feel for this guy, no matter what he does he gets somebody pissed at him cuz nobody is giving him credit for having the ability to make his own decisions...sounds like a playground feud...
And don't think you shouldn't post here, just cuz you didn't get a lot of "yeah, screw him (or her) man, don't take that crap" you quite possibly got much better advice, even if you refuse to admit it right now.
May 16, 2005 08:11 pm the situation you describe happened in my circle of friends once. basically, we were good friends with a guy who suddenly started seeing a girl who wanted him all to herself. she basically told him 'it's me or them.' so he told us off, out of the blue. we didnt see him again for eleven years. now we are cool again, but he resents her for doing that and the two of them are no longer together. it didnt work out; it was a spectacular failure, i'm told.
try to detect if it's a pervasive pattern. sometimes things are simply fair or unfair. if it's 'never' an ok time to hang out with the guys (and he wants to, but lets her have her way) then i'd have to say that that's bad news, despite the fact that i dont know these people.
May 16, 2005 08:15 pm Yeah, I am sure we've all had it happen. I lost a good friend (best childhood friend for years and years) a girl got between us and I have not seen him in over 20 years, and likely never will again.
I was, and still am occassionally, saddened by it cuz we had some great time, but, he let it happen, so, the way I figure it, he didn't think our friendship was all that important, so I never let it get to me too much...
Damn he played a good guitar though, we used to rock out...when we were young, dumb and aimed to be "rock stars"...we were a lot like Wayne and Garth, or Bill and Ted...
May 17, 2005 04:57 am u can still be a rock star, db.
pjkPrince CZAR-mingMember
Since: Apr 08, 2004
May 17, 2005 10:19 am I'm coming late to this, but figured I can throw in my 2 cents (american)
You can't change people. You can only change yourself. If you don't like how someone is treating you, bring up the issue, and be forward. If they continue to act in a way that you don't approve of, then it's your fault if you still go back for more.
Basically, you know how this person will act, and it's your position to let yourself be hurt by them or not. It's totally up to you. If you place expectations on someone else, you will always be disappointed. If you accept how someone is, and act accordingly, you (usually) won't be suprised by their actions.
This line of thinking may sound harsh, but it protects you from situations like this.
As always, YMMV, IMHO, HTH, and all that other jazz.
riffgodwww.charlienaebeck.comMember
Since: Apr 10, 2004
May 18, 2005 08:01 pm dude, I don't mean to sound harsh, and I apologize to DB if we are not allowed to post this sort of thing here, but the number one reason women take over relationships over the guys friends is because they can give the guy something that his dude friends can't..... its called he's getting some!!!! lol sorry to be so blunt, but its true. I have been a musician for a long time now, seen many friends come and go the same way and life moves on my friend. It does not mean that he is not your friend anymore, but it just means that you guys are growing up and priorities change. Put yourself in his shoes and see what it would be like for you to get the ultimatum from your woman and think about it.... trust me... ultimatums are not pretty. DB and everyone else can tell you from experience man. Just take it with a grain of salt and learn to re-schedule. As you get older, you'll learn that friends reschedule all the time around that sort of thing, or they lay down the law. It is ultimately his choice though.
ZX6R1033PerdidoMember
Since: Dec 15, 2004
May 19, 2005 09:37 am Put yourself in his shoes and see what it would be like for you to get the ultimatum from your woman and think about it....
hmm tough call lets see...
1) he hasnt gotten laid for 7 months
2) she wont ride with him (streetbikes)
3) NONE of his friends like her
4) she calls him every 5 minutes
What I would do? Id stay at my friends house. I have ALWAYS been one who keeps plans. When I say I am going to do something, I DO IT.
I am sorry, but the excuses I have heard here for his actions are completely irrelevant.
But its cool.. I talked to him last night.. (he called me)
His excuse is by far the best I have heard thus far.
"I am sorry I've been acting like a *female vaginal cleaning tool* bag lately. I know what I did was ****** up, and it wont happen again."
so its all good... I just dont hang out with the girl anymore.
May 19, 2005 09:49 am Well, I am glad you guys are working it out.
I have grown to just refuse to let any friends mate piss me off, usually friends place the blame on the mate and get pissed off, I just figure my friend is an idiot and lets it happen...so whatever. Never saw it worth getting bent out of shape over...well, not since I was a kid anyway.
It's just childish the way I see it, from the friend, the mate and me...
ZX6R1033PerdidoMember
Since: Dec 15, 2004
May 19, 2005 10:15 am Its childish to worry about losing one of your closest friends? so... in effect, you are telling me that REAL adults dont have REAL friends... merely aquaintences that they enjoy the company of?
ZX6R1033PerdidoMember
Since: Dec 15, 2004
May 19, 2005 10:16 am haha come to think of it... thats EXACTLY the way my uncle is. He likes everyone, but hasnt got one single real friend to speak of.
May 19, 2005 10:28 am Well, no, that's not what I am saying at all. What I am saying is it's a waste of time (and childish) to get all bent out of shape about something you have absolutely zero control over.
If, in fact a friend is letting his mate do what she is doing, then he doesn't really value your friendship much, so, well, such is life...roll on...
Or, that's the way I see it anyway...I don't fight anyone elses battles, I have enough of my own.
TallChapAnswer:On a good day, lipstick.Member
Since: Jun 24, 2004
May 19, 2005 11:15 am I think dB-Wan made a good point above on the true nature of friends - as opposed to acquaintances. I have some dear friends, who I've known for over twenty years (and I'm not that old...). I don't see them very often since we live on separate continents. However, I do consider them true friends. Even if we don't speak for sometimes years, there's no loss of value to the friendship. They'd do anything for me if asked, and I'd certainly do the same for them. The girlfriends/wives have come and gone, or stayed, and we've lived our separate lives; but we're still true friends.
I wouldn't let one psycho-betty girlfriend change your friendship, if you really are true friends. Ride out the storm.
As a small side note: One friend of mine has sent to me, from London to California, the English football results, and newpaper inserts every six weeks for the last fifteen years.... I never asked him to (although I look forward to them). That's a friend...
May 19, 2005 11:31 am Quote:
get all bent out of shape about something you have absolutely zero control over.
yeppers!!! i've got friends that have yet to realize this, and i hafta admit it's silly to watch them sometimes (my little brother comes to mind)....he always blows up **** that if he'd just ride it out cuz he HAS NO OTHER CHOICE about situations, he'd live a new unstressful life. i'm not gettin' in on this debate because i definately see both sides.
Quote:
REAL adults dont have REAL friends
this struck a chord in me (no pun intended)
and i've got parents that hafe ZERO friends and maybe 5 "aquaintances" (sp?) but are friendly to almost anybody. they have their view of people (friends = troubble/waste of time) because of the circumstances they grew up in...
they were married outta highschool, had good jobs ect....now does this mean they are right about 'friends' well in their experiance, yes....they prefer the "don't **** with me and i won't **** with you" way of life.
my friends are closer than my family (for many sepreate reasons) so we don't see eye to eye on this issue. which i can't change, nor can they. we just accept it. umm so yeah that was my point.
wyd
one time a freind shuned me for almost 2 years due to some silly circumstances, we're on good terms now, and have agreed it's been a waste of time and energy. hell my parents got divorced, than remarried!!! talk about wast of time, money and energy!!
May 19, 2005 11:36 am I guess I will illustrate my reasons here just for entertainment's sake. I started dating a girl many years ago...NONE of my friends (in the immediate area that I saw frequently) liked her, to this day I never knew why, but they didn't. Well, to make a long story short, I dumped all my friends, screw them. That girl has now been my wife for 9 years, I have new friends, real friends and have never regreted my decision.
As soon as somebody says "none of his (or her) friends like her (or him)" you've lost me. It's not really the friends business to decide whether to like the mate or not...it's the persons decision.
In the adult world (in my opinion) real friends trust and accept each other decisions and roll with the punches. If the persons friends opinions of the potential mate are even a small percentage of the decision making process, it's then an immature, playground relationship.
How friends react to new relationships and things of such personal nature, as I see it, is a very good indicator of how good of friends they really are as well as how much respect or faith they have in me.
May 20, 2005 04:36 am Well, I'm late to the conversation, but what the hell, right? Here's yet another $.02, mine might not be worth even that.
I'm in the process of going through a divorce right now. When I was dating This Dame years ago, I had about 10 people whom I considered true friends. I was having the time of my life and had no worries.
Cut to 5 years later. When the chips were down, and I was at the bottom of the barrel, there is exactly 1 person who stuck by me to the end. Who's still sticking by me, in fact. This 'true' friend is not even one of the people who I considered a friend 5 years ago. So, my take on it is this:
Friends come and go. Women come and go. Until you hit bottom, you'll never know who your friends really are. The only thing you can do is be the best friend you can be.
And a real friend doesnt judge. A real friend can only accept you for who you are. Thats a LOT harder than being judgmental and making rules.
May 20, 2005 06:48 am Quote:
Until you hit bottom, you'll never know who your friends really are.
Amen brotha.
May 20, 2005 07:36 am Thats the most truthful thing I have heard today - and I tell ye this, it is surely gonna happen to most of us, in our own way, at one time or another.
That said, I tender towards both sides here - I had a mate who **** on me for a long time due to a chick. Nae mair drinks, nae mair lads - just chick! THo, I WOULD NEVER blame him for some of it, cause lets face it, she had breasts (!) ahem (!) but at the same time, I reckon he couldve made SOME spare time for a wee beer and a laugh.
That said, when ti all fell apart, twas me who sorted him oot - and probably would again even tho we havent really spoken in 11 months (NOT FALLEN OUT) just lost touch a bit...
Anyways, point is - ye need give and take on both sides. If its all just take take take or give give give then its no worth it. At this point, one or the other should say - **** it, thats it. But dont allow yerself to be the one who gives all the time, similarly, dont take all the time and eventually, it SHOULD be cool.
Take it easy...
Coco.
May 20, 2005 10:31 am bros before ho's. gentlemans rules. period.
ZX6R1033PerdidoMember
Since: Dec 15, 2004
May 20, 2005 10:53 am bros before ho's. gentlemans rules. period.
EXACTLY!!!!!!!!!!!!
That is what I was saying to Chris just the other day when we were talking about this.
riffgodwww.charlienaebeck.comMember
Since: Apr 10, 2004
May 23, 2005 08:58 pm Quote:
Until you hit bottom, you'll never know who your friends really are. Amen brotha.
was just going to state the same exact thing actually... lol If he is your friend man he'll be there when you really need him in the really messed up times. Trust me, when you guys get down the road a bit there will be times like that. Just don't sweat the little stuff like this man. Life is all about the experiences.. peace
May 23, 2005 09:26 pm i have a friend who got married at eighteen. they're hardcore christians. he's a father times three, has a kickass wife, plays in a band that practices three times a week, and works construction (an exhausting job). if you make plans with him, he'll shuffle things around and find a way, if he can, to make it.
what he has with his wife is the best relationship i have ever seen. they're really solid because they both acknowlege that they have other needs besides the family life and they each make sacrifices in turn to support the other. and this guy is not a poor father. from what i can see, a kid could hope to have no better. they simply let each other pursue things that matter to them, as long as the family doesnt suffer for it.
