rules for a band

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SM7b the Chuck Noris of Mic's
Contributor Since: Jun 20, 2002

1. Never start a trio with a married couple.
2. Your manager’s not helping you.
3. Before you sign a record deal, look up “recoupable” in the dictionary.
4. No one cares who you’ve opened for.
5. A string section does not make your songs sound any more important.
6. If your band has gone through more than four bass players, it’s time to break up.
7. When you talk on stage, you’re never as funny as you think.
8. If you sound like another band, don’t act like you’re unfamiliar with
their music (“Oh, does Rage Against The Machine also do rap-rock with political lyrics?”)
9. Asking a crowd how they’re doing is just amplified small talk.
10. Don’t say your video’s being played if it’s only on the Austin Music Network.
11. When you sign to a major label, claim to have inked the best contract
ever. Mention “artistic freedom” and a “guaranteed three record deal.”
12. When you get dropped, insist that it was the worst contract ever, and
that you asked to be let go.
13. Never name a song after your band.
14. Never name your band after a song.
15. When a drummer brings in his own songs, and asks to perform one of them,
begin looking for a new drummer immediately.
16. Never enter a Battle of the Bands contest.
17. Learn to recognize scary word pairings such as “rock opera,” “white
rapper,” “blues jam,” “swing band,” “open mike,” etc.
18. Drummers can take off their shirts or they can wear gloves, but not both.
19. Break it to your parents, it’s rock ‘n’ roll, not a soccer game.
They’ve gotta stop coming to your shows.
20. Getting a tattoo is like sewing platform shoes to your feet.
21. It’s not a “showcase.” It’s a gig that doesn’t pay.
22. Don’t hire a publicist.
23. Playing in Acron, Ohio doesn’t mean you’re on tour.
24. Don’t join a cover band that plays Bush songs. In fact, don’t join a
cover band.
25. Don’t stop your set to ask that beers be brought up. That’s what
girlfriends and boyfriends are for.
26. If you use a smoke machine, your music sucks.
27. We can tell the difference between a professionally produced album cover
and one you made with the iMac your Mom got for Christmas.
28. Remember: if blues solos are so difficult, why can so many 16 year olds
play them?
29. Cut your hair, but don’t shave your head.
30. Pierce your nose, but not your eyebrow.
31. Don’t wear shorts onstage. Or a suit. Or a hat.
32. Here are some Rock oxymorons: “major label interest,” “demo deal,”
“blues genius,” “$500 guarantee,” and Fastball’s second hit.”
33. Three things that are never coming back: gongs, headbands,
and playing slide guitar with a beer bottle.

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Since: Apr 03, 2002

Oct 19, 2007 05:54 am

I disagree with quite a few of those but it's still quite funny.

SM7b the Chuck Noris of Mic's
Since: Jun 20, 2002

Oct 19, 2007 06:06 am

it's not to be taken to serously . tongue and cheak my friend. i do agree to disagree on a # of em.

Since: Aug 13, 2005

Oct 19, 2007 06:17 am

Hehe so true ;) The rules rule.

Eat Spam before it eats YOU!!!
Since: May 11, 2002

Oct 19, 2007 09:10 am

#29 Is so wrong... if you don't have a chick or a black guy you MUST shave your head...

plus you must have a tour bus accident/close call in order to be successful.

Since: Apr 03, 2002

Oct 19, 2007 09:20 am

yeah, the shaving your head is wrong, the tattoo comment is wrong, other than that it's pretty on the mark.

well, Ihave a buddy that does killer slide with his beer bottle and I still think it's cool.

Ne'er ate 'er
Since: Apr 05, 2006

Oct 19, 2007 09:48 am

Nothing says "We're wannabes" like nos. 13 and 14.

Also, for some reason, groups who name themselves after geographic locations annoy me.

Boston, Chicago, Alabama, Kansas. You'd think that such great bands would have better imaginations.

Since: Apr 03, 2002

Oct 19, 2007 09:51 am

I read this as I am listening to "More Than a Feeling" on the radio...

Boston is one of my all time favs...

Does "Des Moines Riot" fall under that category for you :-)

Ne'er ate 'er
Since: Apr 05, 2006

Oct 19, 2007 09:55 am

Now that's actually kinda funny.

A riot in Des Moines? Did the grocery store run out of corn?

Edit- Better: Did the Gap run out of coveralls?

Hold 'Em Czar
Since: Dec 30, 2004

Oct 20, 2007 03:59 am

Also, for some reason, groups who name themselves after geographic locations annoy me.

HAHA! down here in the styx, we've got cover bands named after the road that they practice on...i was in one with my dad called "Rip Steele" our rivals were "Doubble Branch" (the road parallel to ours) we've got a band called "Exit 69" named for the exit number of their's a darn phenom here!

my dad's current cover band is called "nightshift" due to all the members are Saturn employees that work nights....oh the originality! but in their defense, they do have a cool logo.

Ne'er ate 'er
Since: Apr 05, 2006

Oct 20, 2007 09:52 am

Yeah, we have an "Exit 42" here.

There are probably also a couple of dozen bands named "nightshift" and "crossfire" within a hundred miles of any given geographic location.

Pinnipedal Czar (: 3=
Since: Apr 11, 2004

Oct 20, 2007 12:02 pm

Nice, Geoff.

A bit off topic, but locally on I-75, exit 69 is for "Big Beaver Rd.".

Not kidding.

Czar of Midi
Since: Apr 04, 2002

Oct 20, 2007 03:07 pm

Daisy Dillman, named after the drummers Grandma.

Prince CZAR-ming
Since: Apr 08, 2004

Oct 20, 2007 03:19 pm

I was in a band, named Roy Good.

We got the name off of a fishing shanty one of our members had inherited. We didn't know who this Roy fellow was, but we liked the name.

When written up by my sister in our family tree album, she wrote that I played in 'Roy's Good Time Band'.

I was not amused.

Maybe Roy Good knows Daisy Dillman. That'd be funny.

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