Cleaning out the closet - Jokes aboun...

Deadly Golf!

A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the doctor asks him what happened.

"Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows.
We went to look for it and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball...
stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made
my mistake."

"What did you do?", asks the doctor.

"Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife", "Hey honey, this looks
like yours!"

A Mafia godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated him out of ten million bucks. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not hear anything that he might have to testify about in court.

When the godfather goes to confront the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language. The godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the 10 million bucks he embezzled from me is."

The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the money is.
The bookkeeper signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about." The attorney tells the godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."

The godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple, and says, "Ask him again!"

The attorney signs to the bookkeeper, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him!"
The bookkeeper signs back, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!"

The godfather asks the attorney, "Well, what'd he say?"

The attorney replies, "He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."

25 SIGNS YOU HAVE GROWN UP

25. Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.

24. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.

23. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

22. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.

21. You hear your favourite song in an elevator.

20. You watch the Weather Channel

19. Your friends marry and divorce instead of "hook up" and "break up."

18. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.

17. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."

16. You're the one calling the police because those %&@# kids next door won't turn down the stereo.

15. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.

14. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.

13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.

12. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers.

11. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.

10. You take naps.

9. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.

8. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.

7. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.

6. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good ****."

>5. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.

4. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again."

3. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.

2. When you find out your friend is pregnant you congratulate them instead of asking "Oh **** what the hell happened?"

>And the number one sign you are getting old is:

1. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you and can't find one to save your sorry old ***.

A wife decides to take her husband to a topless club for his birthday.
They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Roy! How ya doin'?"
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Never," says Roy, "but the doorman's on my bowling team."

Once they're seated, a waitress asks Roy if he'd like his usual and brings
over a Canadian Club on the rocks.
His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know
you drink Canadian Club?"
She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them. We
know each others' habits."

A blonde stripper then comes over to their table, takes off her top, throws
her arms around Roy, and says "Roy, baby, want your usual table... dance,
big guy?"
Roy's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Roy follows her, spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door,
he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper
must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.
She screams at him at the top of her lungs and calls him every name in the
book.

After a couple minutes, the cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you
picked up a real ***** tonight, Roy."

A long time ago, Britain and France were at war.
During one battle, the French captured an English colonel.
They took him to their headquarters, and the French
general began to question him. Finally, as an after
thought, the French general asked, "Why do you
English officers all wear red coats? Don't you know the red
material makes you easier targets for us to shoot at?
"In his bland English way, the officer informed
the general that the reason English officers wear
red coats is so that if they are shot, the blood won't show,
and the men they are leading won't panic.

And that is why, from that day to this,
all French Army officers wear brown pants.

Last Perogies

An elderly Ukrainian man lay dying in his bed.
While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the
aroma of his favorite Ukrainian perogies with fried onions wafting up the
stairs.
He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed.
Gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.
Downstairs, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen, where
if not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven,
for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were hundreds of
his favourite perogies.
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his wife of sixty years,
seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
He threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a crumpled
posture.
His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of the perogies was already in
his mouth.
With a trembling hand he reached for a perogie at the edge of the table,
when suddenly he was smacked with a wooden spoon by his wife.
"**** off." she said. "They're for the funeral."

Two Arabs boarded a flight out of London. One took a window seat and the
other sat next to him in the middle seat. Just before takeoff, a Marine sat
down in the aisle seat. After takeoff, the Marine kicked his shoes off,
wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said,

"I need to get up and get a coke." "Don't get up," said the Marine, "I'm in
the aisle seat, I'll get it for you."

As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the Marines shoe and spat in
it.
When the Marine returned with the coke, the other Arab said, "That looks
good, I'd really like one, too."

Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it. While he was gone the other
Arab picked up the Marines other shoe and spat in it.

When the Marine returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As the
plane was landing, the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and knew
immediately what had happened.

"Why does it have to be this way?" he asked. "How long must this go on? This
fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in
shoes and pissing in cokes?"

Polite Way to Pee

During one of her daily classes a teacher trying to teach good manners,
asked her students the following question:

"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how
would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"

Michael said, "Just a minute I have to go pee."

The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and impolite. What
about you Peter, how would you say it?"

Peter said, "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be
right back."

"That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at
the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for
once and show us your good manners?"

"I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake
hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to meet after
dinner."

The teacher fainted......

While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit
by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at
the entrance.

"Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there
is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, so we're
not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," says the man.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have
you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to
spend eternity."

"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the
senator.

"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes
down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle
of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in
front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with
him. Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him,
shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting
rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and
then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne. Also present is the devil, who
really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling
jokes.

They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to
go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator
rises... The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where
St. Peter is waiting for him.

"Now it's time to visit heaven." So, time passes with the senator joining
a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and
singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours
have gone by and St. Peter returns.

"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose
your eternity."

The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never
have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would
be better off in hell."

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down,
down to hell.

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land
covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags,
picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from
above. The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder.
"I don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here and there
was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank
champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland
full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning ...
Today you voted."

Do you know your trees?

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree
begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, "Is that a son
of a beech or a son of a birch?" The birch says he cannot tell.

Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says, "Woodpecker,
you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of
a birch?" The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He then replies,
"It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch, but the best little
piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in."

Wipe that smile off your face!

I AM CANADIAN

A Canadian guy, Joe, walks into a bar on a remote Greek island, and the
waitress takes his order - a Molson - and notices his accent. Over the
course of the night they get talking and she tells him her name is Darlene
and she's also Canadian and that she's working her way around the world.

At the end of the evening Joe asks Darlene if she wants to come back to his
place and have sex with him. Although she is attracted to him she says no.
He then offers to pay her $200 for sex. Darlene is traveling the world and
because she is short of funds, she agrees.

The next night Joe turns up again, orders a Molson and after showing her
plenty of attention throughout the night asks if she will sleep with him
again for $200. Darlene remembers the night before and is only too happy to
agree. This goes on for 5 nights.

On the 6th night Joe comes in, orders his Molson, and sits in the corner.
Darlene thinks that if she pays him some more attention then maybe she can
then shake some more cash out of him, so she goes over and sits next to him.

She asks him where he's from, and he tells her: "Calgary"

“Wow! So am I...Where in Calgary?"

"Montgomery District" he replies.

"That's amazing..." she says, "So am I - what Street?"

"McCleod Street" he replies.

"This is unbelievable..." she says, "What number?"

He says "2460" and she is totally astonished. "Whoa - You are not going to
believe this but I'm from Number 2475! My parents still live there!"

“I know..." he says, "Your Father gave me $1,000 to give to you"

HE WHO DRINKS CANADIAN, THINKS CANADIAN!

President Bush and Donald Rumsfeld are sitting in a bar.

A guy walks in and asks the barman, "Isn't that Bush and Rumsfeld sitting
over there?"

The bartender says, "Yep, that's them."

So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honor! . What are you
guys doing in here?"

Bush says, "We're planning WW III."

The guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"

Bush says, "Well, we're going to kill 140 million Muslims and one blonde
with big tits.

The guy exclaimed, "A blonde with big tits? Why kill a blonde with big
tits?"

Bush turns to Rumsfeld and says, "See, I told you, no one gives a **** about
the 140 million Muslims".

Recent research shows that there are 7 kinds of sex.

The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex. This kind of sex happens when you
first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.

The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex. This is when you have been with
your partner for a short time and you are so horny you will have sex
anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex. This is when you have been with
your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you usually
have sex only in your bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex. This is when you have been with
your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both
say "screw you."

The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex, which means you get Nun in the
morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night.

The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex. This is when you cannot stand your
wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.

And last, but not least, the 7th kind of sex is called: Social Security Sex.
You get a little from time-to-time, but not enough to live on.

Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out. Both were very faithful
and loving wives, however, they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi
Breezers. Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they
stopped in the cemetery.

One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her
panties and use them. Her friend however was wearing rather expensive pair
of panties and did not want to ruin them. She was lucky enough to squat
down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it.

After the girls did their business they proceeded to go home. The next day
one of the women's husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and
innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and
said, "These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the
worst.. My wife came home with no panties!!"

That's nothing" said the other husband, "Mine came back with a card stuck to
her *** that said..... 'From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never
forget you.'

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead
sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down,
but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket
towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and
hands it back.

“Oh my, I am so sorry, " the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.
"Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you, " she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the
theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest
dreams and he shares his. She listens. After paying for everything, she asks
him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for
breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy
is amazed! ! Everything had been SO incredible! !! !

"You know, " he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every
guy you meet? "

"No, " she replies. . . . . " "You just happened to catch my eye."
>> >

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She as
a very good-looking woman, and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very
little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a
ranch hand.

Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought
long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the
gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the
drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot
about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing
very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a
really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick
up your heels."

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.
One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock, and no hired
hand. He returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found
the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace sipping a glass of wine,
waiting for him. She quietly called him over to her.

“Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she
directed.

"Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly.

"Now take off my stockings." He removed each gently and placed them neatly
by her boots.

“Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her
eyes in the firelight.

"Now take off my bra.." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told
and dropped it to the floor.

"Now," she said, "take off my panties." By the light of the fire, he slowly
pulled them down and off.

Then she looked at him and said, "Now, if you ever wear my clothes into town
again, you're fired."

A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks
over at him and asks the question....
WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"
HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"
WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do."
WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."
WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)
WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"
HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."
WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"
WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"
HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."
WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."
WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?"
HUS! BAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."
WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"
HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed. "!
WIFE: -- silence --
HUSBAND: "****."

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a beautiful blond woman wave at
him and say hello.

He's rather taken back, because he can't place where he knows her from. So
he says, "Do you Know me?" To which she replies, "I think your the father
of one of my kids."

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to
his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that
I laid on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner
whipped my butt with wet celery and then stuck a carrot up my ***???"

She looks into his eyes and calmly says, "No, I'm your son's math
teacher."

Not sure if this is real or not, but a friend sent me these and they are
quite amusing.

Australian Tourism..........

The questions below about Australia, are from potential visitors. They were
posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual
responses by the website officials, who obviously have a sense of humour.

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, so
how do the plants grow? (UK).
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them
die

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad
tracks?(Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list
of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe.
Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which doesn't...
oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in
KingsCross. Come naked.

Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and
we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which
is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in
Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?

Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round?
(Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is
illegal.

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense
rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All
Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make
good pets.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its
name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of gum
trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare
them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

Eve’s side of the story

After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve.

"So, how is everything going?" inquired God.

"It's all so beautiful" she replied. "Everything is wonderful,but I have
just one problem. It's these breasts you've given me. The middle one pushes
the other two out and I'm constantly knocking them with my arms. " She went
on to tell Him that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such
as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc.......she felt that having only two breasts
might leave her body more "symmetrically balanced," as she put it.

"That is a fair point, but it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave
the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those,
but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away." And He reached
down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes.

Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden.
"Well, Eve, how is my favourite creation?"

"Just fantastic," she replied, "But for one oversight on your part. You see,
all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull.
All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone."

God thought for a moment and said, "You know, Eve, you are right. How could
I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a
man from a part of you. Now let's see............Where did I put that
useless tit??"

Now doesn't THAT make more sense than that stuff about the rib?

A man was at the country club for his weekly round of golf. He began his
round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdy the second. On the third
hole he had just scored his first ever hole in one when his cell phone rang.

It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a terrible
accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.

The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that he'd be
there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was
shaping up to be his best ever round of golf. He decided to get in a couple
of more holes before heading to the hospital. He ended up finishing all
eighteen. He finished his round shooting a personal best 61 shattering the
club record by five strokes and beating his previous best game by more than
10.

He was jubilant, then he remembered his wife. Feeling guilty he dashed to
the hospital. He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's
condition.

The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your
round of golf didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were
out for the past four hours enjoying yourself at the country club your wife
has been languishing in the ICU! It's just as well you went ahead and
finished that round because it will be more than likely your last! For the
rest of her life she will require 'round the clock care.
And you'll be her care giver!"

The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed.

The doctor started to snicker and said, "Just kidding! She died more
than two hours ago. What'd you shoot?

The Love Dress

A woman stopped by at her recently married son's house.
She rang the doorbell and walked in. She was shocked to see her
daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing,
and the aroma of perfume filled the room.
“What are you doing?" she asked.
“I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the daughter-in-law
answered.
“But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed!
“This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
“Love dress? But you're naked!"
“My husband loves me to wear this dress," she explained.
It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly
becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of
me."
The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered put on
her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD,and laid on the
couch waiting for her husband to arrive.
Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her laying there so
provocatively.
'What are you doing?" he asked.
“This is my love dress," she whispered, sensually.
'Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?

Fred went to the doctor and said;

"Doctor, I've got a problem, but if you're going to treat it, first you've
got to promise not to laugh."

"Of course I won't laugh," the doctor said. "I'm a professional. In over
twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."

"Okay then," Fred said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the
tiniest penis the doctor has ever seen. It couldn't have been more than the
size of a peanut.

Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, then fell laughing
to the floor.

Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his
composure.

"I'm so sorry Fred," said the doctor. "I really am....I don't know what
came over me. On my honour as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't
happen again. Now what seems to be the problem?"

"It's swollen," Fred replied.

The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the
activities for her 100th birthday were taking place.

Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she could write notes when she needed
to communicate.

After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the
right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed
pillows on her right.

A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family
grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left.

Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her,
then tied a pillowcasearound her waist to hold her up.

A grandson, who arrived late, came up to Grandma and said,
"Hi, Grandma, you're looking good! How are they treating you?"

Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote
a note to the grandson...

"They won't let me fart."

The FBI had an opening for an Assassin.
After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there
were 3 finalists. Two men and a woman.
For the final test, the FBI Agents took one of the men to a large metal door
and handed him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the
circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair.
Kill Her!!!"
"The man said, "You can't be serious, I could never shoot my wife"
The Agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife
and go home."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went
into the room. All was quiet for about 5-minutes.
The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my
wife."
The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions. To
kill her husband.
She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after
another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.
After a few minutes, all was quiet.
The door opened slowly and there stood the woman.
She wiped the sweat from her brow.
"This gun is loaded with blanks!!" she said. "I had to beat him to death
with the damn chair!!!"

Elderly Nurse

Aging gracefully, a 70 yr. old nurse walks into a bank and prepares to
endorse a check. She reaches in her pocket and pulls out a rectal
thermometer and tries to write with it. She looks up at the teller, pauses
for a moment, then realizing her mistake, she says, "Well that's
great......just great.....Some *******'s got my pen."

Ole was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the shadows.
"Twenty dollars . ."she whispers.
He'd never been with a hooker before, but he decides, what the hell, it's
only twenty bucks.
So they hide in the bushes. They're going "at it" for a minute when all of a
sudden a light flashes on them . it's a police officer.
"What's going on here, people?" asks the officer.
"I'm making love to my wife," Ole answers indignantly.
"Oh, I'm sorry," says the cop, "I didn't know."
"Well," Ole says, "neither did I, until you shined that light in her face".

Deep thoughts:

For those who love the philosophy of hypocrisy and ambiguity..... and other
things that keep me up at night.

1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things

2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and
apes?

5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad
girls live.

6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, Where's the self-help
section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

7. What if there were no hypothetical questions?

8. If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

9. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it
considered a hostage situation?

10. Is there another word for synonym?

11. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"

12. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered
plant?

13. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages? >

14. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

15. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will
clean them?

16. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked? >

17. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

18. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to start
speaking?

19. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines? >

20. How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?

21. What was the best thing before sliced bread?

22. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

23. Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

24. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

25. How is it possible to have a civil war?

26. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too

27. If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?

28. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

29. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have "S" in it?

30. Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "asteroids"?

31. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

32. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

33. If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times does he become
disoriented?

?

A young man was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from college. While he
was walking through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing
with one leg raised in the air.
The elephant seemed distressed so the man approached it very carefully. He
got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot. There was a large
thorn deeply embedded in the bottom of the foot.

As carefully and as gently as he could he worked the thorn out with his
hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The
elephant turned to face the man and with a rather stern look on its face,
stared at him. For a good ten minutes the man stood frozen -- thinking of
nothing else but being trampled.

Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away.

The man never forgot that elephant or the events of that day. Twenty
years later the man was walking through the zoo with his teenaged son. As
they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and
walked over to where they were standing at the rail. The large bull elephant
stared at him and lifted it's front foot off the ground, then put it down.
The elephant did that several times, all the while staring at the man. The
man couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant.

After a while it trumpeted loudly; then it continued to stare at him.

The man summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way
into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in
wonder.

Suddenly the elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of the
man's legs and swung him wildly back and forth along the railing, killing
him.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.

I checked into my hotel on a business trip. I was a bit lonely and feeling
quite horny, so I thought I'd get me one of those girls you see advertised
in phone booths, when you’re calling for a cab. I grabbed a card from the
nearest booth, on my way in to the hotel. It was an ad for a girl who
called herself Eronique. She appeared to be a truly lovely girl, bending
over in a seductive pose in the photograph. She had all of the right curves
in all of the right places, also beautiful long wavy hair, and long graceful
legs that led all the way up to her butt, you know the kind I mean.

So, after I'd settled into my room I figured, what the hell, I'll give her a
call. I picked up the phone … "Hello?" the woman said. Oh my God she
sounded sexy! I immediately responded "Hi, I hear you give a great massage
and I’d like you to come to my hotel room and give me one. No wait, I
should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want
is S-E-X. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. I mean real
kinky the whole night long. You name it and we'll do it. Bring implements,
toys, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy
the whole night through; You can tie me up, wear a strap on, cover me in
chocolate syrup and whipping cream, anything you want baby. Now, how does
that sound to you?"

The female voice says, "That sounds fantastic sir, but for an outside line
you need to press 9."

A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage
bags with her, one in each hand.

There's a hole in one of the bags, and every once in a while a $20 bill is
flying out of it onto the pavement.

Noticing this, a policeman stops her...."Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling
out of that bag..."

"Darn!" says the little old lady....."I'd better go back and see if I can
still find some. Thanks for the warning!"

"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money?
Did you steal it?"

"Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard backs up to the
parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there's a game, a lot of fans
come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds! So, I go and stand
behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his
little thingie through the bushes, I say: $20 or off it comes!"

"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "OK, good luck! By the way, what's in
the other bag?"

"Well", says the little old lady, "not all of them pay"

>

A Love Story

A man and a woman who had never met before, but were both married to other
people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a
transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing
a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly...he in the upper
bunk and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am,
I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet
to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that
we're married."

"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.

"Good," she replied. "Now get your own blanket."

After a moment of silence, he farted.

LIVING WILL

While I was watching the NFL play-off games one weekend, my wife and I got
into a conversation about life and death, and the need for living wills.

During the course of the conversation I told her that I never wanted to
exist in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and taking fluids
from a bottle.

She got up, unplugged the TV, and threw out all my beer.

Man, sometimes it's tough being married to a smartass.

\
Guy gets on a plane and finds himself seated next to a cute Blonde.

He immediately turns to her and makes his move. "You know," he says, "I've
heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with
your fellow passenger. So let's talk."

The blonde, who had just opened her book, closes it slowly and says to the
guy, "What would you like to discuss?"
"Oh, I don't know," says the guy, smiling. "How about nuclear power?"

"OK," says the blonde. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me
ask you a question first. . a horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same
stuff, grass. Yet the deer excretes little pellets, the cow turns out a
flat patty and the horse produces muffins of dried poop. Why do you
suppose that is?"

The guy is dumbfounded. Finally he replies, "I haven't the slightest
idea."

"So tell me," says the blonde, "How is it that you feel qualified to
discuss nuclear power when you don't know ****?"

Cleaning out the closet - Jokes abound