Tell a Joke
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Posted on May 04, 2005 08:53 am
presley_07
Bohemian
Member Since: May 04, 2003
Daddy.. how was I born?
OK, I knew the day would come you would ask this... and that I had to explain it to you... so here goes:
Mommy and Daddy met in a Chatroom on the internet
Daddy made a Rendez-vous with mommy and that's how we met in the toilet's of an Internetcafe..
then mommy downloaded some stuff off of daddy's memory stick, and when daddy was ready for an upload... they found out there was no Firewall present...
Now, it was too late to delete this piece of info... and nine month's later ... a little Virus popped up...
( I don't know if it's as funny as it is in dutch... but ah well.. )
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May 04, 2005 08:54 am A woman is at the checkout line of her local grocery store. The cashier rings up her half a loaf of bread, half litre of milk, 2 apples, and TV dinner.
He looks at her and says "Single, eh?"
The woman looks at him sheepishly, and says "Yes. How did you know?"
The cashier replies: "Because you're ******* ugly."
TadpuiI am not a crook's headMember
Since: Mar 14, 2003
May 04, 2005 10:42 am LMAO!
May 04, 2005 10:58 am HA!!!!!!!!
dad takes his son to his first Bass lesson, when he's finished, he asks his son what he learned. son replies "the first 4 notes on the E string. day two comes, son comes out and says i know the first 4 notes on the A string now! adda boy! two weeks go by and the instructor calls the father. "where's your son been?" Dad replies "oh he had a gig"
pretty old but i'm a bass player.
May 04, 2005 12:14 pm What's the difference between an oboe and an onion?
No one cries when you chop up an oboe.
BeerHunterwww.TheLondonProject.caMember
Since: Feb 07, 2005
May 04, 2005 12:21 pm A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a blanket bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched her. They tried it again and sure enough there was sizable movement. They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, "As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."
The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they'd close the curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.
After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate.
The nurses run back into the room. "What happened!?" they cried.
The husband said, "I'm not sure; maybe she choked.
ZX6R1033PerdidoMember
Since: Dec 15, 2004
May 04, 2005 12:32 pm lmao beer that one just about killed me!!
TallChapAnswer:On a good day, lipstick.Member
Since: Jun 24, 2004
May 04, 2005 12:55 pm What's brown and sticky?
A stick.
May 04, 2005 12:56 pm Mother-to-be is in the hospitol in labor. the kid comes out and the doc slams it on the floor, picks it up, and throws it across the room, grabbs a scalple (sp?) and stabbs it through the chest. turns to the mom, who's watching in horror and says "i'm just kidding, it was already dead"
BeerHunterwww.TheLondonProject.caMember
Since: Feb 07, 2005
May 04, 2005 01:00 pm Fresh from her shower, she stood in front of the mirror complaining to her husband that her breasts are too small. Instead of him characteristically telling her it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.
"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds."
Willing to try anything, she fetches a piece of toilet paper and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts.
"How long will this take?" she asked.
"They will grow larger over a period of years," the husband replies.
She stopped.
"Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?"
Without missing a beat he says, "Worked for your ***, didn't it?"
He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy he may even walk again.
vdalehubbardLost for words with all to say.Contributor
Since: Sep 12, 2003
May 04, 2005 01:20 pm OMG WYD!!
ZX6R1033PerdidoMember
Since: Dec 15, 2004
May 04, 2005 02:11 pm Registered: Aug 2003
Location: Elmendorf AFB, AK 99503
View my photo gallery
Motorcycle(s): Soon.... but not soon enough
a couple more
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl tells him that after dinner, she would like to have sex with him for the first time.
The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacy to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about half an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy a 3-pack, 10-pack or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents! Come on in!"
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."
The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist!"
ZX6R1033PerdidoMember
Since: Dec 15, 2004
May 04, 2005 02:11 pm Yesterday, scientists for Health Canada suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.
The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women.
To test the findings, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each.
It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively with out making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, and refused to apologize when wrong.
No further testing is planned....
ZX6R1033PerdidoMember
Since: Dec 15, 2004
May 04, 2005 02:13 pm I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so. I went in to buy a package of condoms. There was a beautiful woman behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked, if I knew how to wear one.
I honestly answered, "No."
So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped over her thumb, She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So she looked all around the store. It was empty.
"Just a minute," she said, and walked to the door, and locked it.
Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. "Do these excite you?" she asked.
Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head. She then said, it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and laid down on a desk.
"Well, come on", she said, "We don't have much time."
So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and POW, I was done within a few minutes. She looked at me with a frown. "Did you put that condom on?"
I said, "I sure did," and held up my thumb to show her
ZX6R1033PerdidoMember
Since: Dec 15, 2004
May 04, 2005 02:14 pm True bravery is arriving home stinking drunk after a very late night out with the boys.....
Then.....being assaulted by your wife with a broom,
And still having the guts to ask:
"Are you cleaning, or were you flying somewhere?"
ZX6R1033PerdidoMember
Since: Dec 15, 2004
May 04, 2005 02:15 pm Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbour peered over the fence.
Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was doing, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Nancy?"
"My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."
The neighbour was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"
Nancy patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your ******* cat."
TadpuiI am not a crook's headMember
Since: Mar 14, 2003
May 04, 2005 02:39 pm A man was sitting at his favorite bar, where he had been drinking for several hours. It was finally time to go so he slid off of the barstool and PLOP, falls on the floor. He's so inebriated that he can't even stand up, so he crawls out the door.
On his way home, he tries several more times to stand but he's too drunk. So he crawls all the way home, part way up the stairs, and he just passes out cold right there, unable to make it all the way up the stairs and into his bed.
The next morning, he wakes up on the stairway and his wife is giving him a rather disapproving look. "You were at the bar all night last night, weren't you?".
"Yes, how did you know?" he asked.
She said "The bar called...you forgot your wheelchair again."
May 04, 2005 02:46 pm Boudreaux was paddling his boat down the bayou when he came upon Lady Francine's house. She was sitting on her porch swing. Boudreaux could see she had no underwear on and asked her "What are you doing up there Lady Francine?"
She replied "I'm doing the laundry."
"Could I come do some laundry with you?" he asked
"Sure!" she replied
So Boudreaux went on up and 'did the laundry' with Lady Francine.
Next day, he comes upon Lady Francine's house again. Again, she was sitting on her swing with no underwear on.
Boudreaux didnt skip a beat, "Can I come do some laundry with you Lady Francine?"
Lady Francine frowned and said "No, you got a small load there, you can do it by hand."
TadpuiI am not a crook's headMember
Since: Mar 14, 2003
May 04, 2005 02:53 pm ...and my tasteless joke for the day:
What do you tell a woman with 2 black eyes?
Nothing. You done told her twice.
