Unfinished Lyrics! Please Critique.

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Member Since: Jul 12, 2004

I had a bookfull of songs which I misplaced, but here's one I wrote on wordpad. I really don't know what it's about, but I know it has some sort of theme. I wrote it late at night. It'll come to me soon. Anyways, tell me what you think.......

It's 6 am and I'm thinking
About a man in his apartment
With the trenchcoat blocks
And homemade clocks
In place you never gave away
The room's on fire
Lover for hire
An elaborate ruse
To induce confusion

I saw you sitting down
With a bottle of gin and a plastic doll

But this place is the same
Everbody's in pain and they're showing it off

I won't hold out for long.......

Okay. That's where it stops. I'll finish it soon.

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...bringing sexy back
Since: Jul 01, 2002

Jul 15, 2004 02:50 pm

s'cool man

Since: Jan 18, 2003

Jul 15, 2004 06:43 pm

dude this is absolutely fantastic.

it's not sentimental or idealized or maudlin...it's full of solid imagery, has good meter, etc. i could take a few lessons from you, no doubt.

Prince of Cat Ears
Since: Jun 17, 2004

Jul 20, 2004 02:47 pm

I like the start you've got here. The only thing jumping out at me is that it feels like it's leading up to something, but we haven't yet found what that is. Ultimately, I'd need to know what you're going to end us at before I could offer anything more useful than that. ^_^;;

sloppy dice, drinks twice
Since: Aug 05, 2003

Jul 20, 2004 03:46 pm

It's hard to critique unfinished lyrics. I have no idea where you're going with this. I'm sure you can understand. Finish and repost it - I'll take a gander at it and give you my thoughts.

Since: Jan 18, 2003

Jul 20, 2004 06:38 pm

i like it when i cant figure out what lyrics are about. mostly because 85 percent of songs that are about something are just kinda...overly sentimental and untrue.

Pinnipedal Czar (: 3=
Since: Apr 11, 2004

Jul 20, 2004 08:18 pm

Good stuff... specifically-vague lyrics are way cool !

Bauhaus !!!!

Nothing doesnt give me gas
Since: May 25, 2004

Jul 21, 2004 03:09 am

I would like to ask Jim Morrison if he was saying, " I beat a bitty bug 'bout an hour ago"

But hes dead, and if he did, that was just mean.......

Since: Jan 18, 2003

Jul 21, 2004 12:38 pm


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