Review of lyrics please

Posted on Feb 20, 2003 04:29 pm
Loki
Cone Poker
Member Since: Apr 07, 2002

Alright guys, I want your honest opinions about these lyrics and how I can improve them:

One more kiss from me to you
I'll never let you go
and if you want to stay like this forever
it will be okey. I'll hold you in my arms.
__________________________________________
I feel you breathing and you take my breath away
and if you run, run, I'll follow you
To the end of time, forever we'll stay
___________________________________________
Sweet Devotion
Sweet Devotion
Sweet Devotion
Sweet Devotion
___________________________________________
Hold you close now, as the night falls
Damn the world for tearing us apart
All I hear is the beating
The beating, breaking of two lovers heart

* I feel you breathing line repeated twice, then Sweet devotion lines repeated.

Thanks guys

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coolo
Frisco's Most Underrated
Member
Since: Jan 28, 2003

Feb 20, 2003 08:15 pm

I'm always hesitant to judge lyrics, because I have some strong feelings and I don't want to come across as a punk or as being mean.

So, with that being said, I will try not to judge too much on the actual words, but rather a couple of techniques that I like and don't like.

I always try to avoid yoda lines. By this I mean lines such as forever we'll stay or concentrate you must. I might try instead: To the end of time, our head and hearts will play.

What I do like, is the use of a short phrase that then continues like: "All I hear is the beating
The beating, breaking of two lovers heart." That is a very cool line, I think. Oh and your first stanza doesn't rhyme, but I guess that's ok.

I hope I was somewhat helpful and not just another voice in the wind.

Noize2u
Czar of Midi
Administrator
Since: Apr 04, 2002

Feb 20, 2003 09:25 pm

The thing you will find with uneven verse lines is, if you don't have a melody writen for it yet. It will be tough to fit it into a conventional melody line. But if you allready have the music writen, and you sculpted the uneven verse to fit it, then that is good.

That being said, I am not a big fan of perfect flowing and ryhming line's. And that you have not done. In reading it over a few times, there could be some interesting melody work to make those line's fit. I look forward to seeing what you do with them.

Loki
Cone Poker
Member
Since: Apr 07, 2002

Feb 20, 2003 09:34 pm

Coolo- Thing is I'm not tough enough on myself, so if you want to be a jerk about it go ahead. I learned long ago this is a tough biz and I've gotta learn to take some hits. That said, I'll take in mind what you said about the "yoda" phrases.

Noize- Yeah this song was actually written and done a long time ago, I wrote it when I first started dating my ex fiance. So it's a done song, and I just need to lay down the vocals for it and I'll have it up on NWR soon for all to hear.

Noize2u
Czar of Midi
Administrator
Since: Apr 04, 2002

Feb 20, 2003 09:44 pm

Kool Loki, I can't wait.

Jamie Garrett
Contributor
Since: Sep 09, 2002

Feb 21, 2003 10:40 am

great lyrics man, hope to hear what you're doing with 'em