Lyrics for critique

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Do U Beleev in D-Flo?
Member Since: Jun 15, 2004

This is the first song I've posted here, let me know what you think.

Shut In:

Whats mine is mine, whats yours is yours
Come here close but close the doors
All my fragile trust in you
Careful of the things I do

Stay inside, stay inside
Stay inside, stay inside

Lock myself inside my head
Dream of all the things I've read
Take my pill to keep me stable
Get some sleep if I am able

Stay inside, stay inside
Stay inside, stay inside

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Member
Since: Apr 08, 2004


Jul 29, 2004 03:15 am

I like them a lot Keegan, reminds me of many of my lyrics. They scan really well, and I'm a sucker for repetition anyway ;)

How you planning to extend it (assuming you are?)?

A trick i often use when a song contains lots of short monosyllabic (?) words like this does, is to then have a bridge which conflicts with it, containing several long words with 3 syllables, then either a solo or chorus or whatever.

Great start here!
Paul

Do U Beleev in D-Flo?
Member
Since: Jun 15, 2004


Jul 29, 2004 08:43 am

When I was done writing it down on paper I thought it was finished, then when I re-read it after posting it did feel a little short. There was even something about the "feel" of it that was missing. I'll have to ponder it a little more, and see what I come up with.

Member
Since: Apr 08, 2004


Jul 29, 2004 08:49 am

Whether its too short or not really depends on how you interpret it musically though, as i'm sure you know. If you decide to have an interlude after the first chorus for example, it might end up being a really nice short snappy song like it currently is. Same goes for how quick/slow the tempo is.... might wanna consider that before you write another verse, put it to music, then end up droppin that verse coz its no longer needed ;)

Aint it great when there are no rules???? Get it to music quick and giss'a listen :)

Do U Beleev in D-Flo?
Member
Since: Jun 15, 2004


Jul 29, 2004 10:27 am

Good point, I'll probably put some music together after work today. Toss some ideas around on tape.

sloppy dice, drinks twice
Member
Since: Aug 05, 2003


Aug 03, 2004 08:55 am

Keegan, I like the mood behind these lyrics, and I like the way you've captured that mood, but it doesn't really develop for me. It does seem kind of short to me. But then, that's partially because we're seeing it out of context. I know there are lots of songs that are short on lyrics like this. When there's music to go with it, the focus isn't quite so much on the length of the lyrics themselves.

Member
Since: Apr 08, 2004


Aug 03, 2004 09:06 am

It's amazing how many songs on CD you love, then on looking at the lyrics in the booklet you find there's like just 2 tiny paragraphs and thats it!

Do U Beleev in D-Flo?
Member
Since: Jun 15, 2004


Aug 03, 2004 09:26 am

Tincan, I think the lack of development is why the length bothered me. There is nothing intrinsic about the length itself, but there just needs to be more to complete the image. I'm actually thinking there needs to be a section in between the two verses I have. Something that completes the picture. As it is now there seems to be no climax, it builds a scene and creates anticipation in the first verse, but then by the second, instead of climaxing it simply resolves, almost in a disapointing way. Kind of a let down.

neuaddsibly, I agree. Some songs are beautiful in there simplicty, some of my favorite songs are for that matter. I just don't think this is one of those songs =)

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