Lyrics for Critique: Losing the Ones

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Bohemian
Member Since: May 04, 2003

hey guys

I'm not the lyricist or whatever but i just wanted to know what you guys thought of this

in another thread some time ago I asked how everyone got it's inspiration, for me none of them seemed to work till today.

Yesterday some strange girl entered my msn list
and I didn't know who she was, she said

Hey presley , remember me?
and I was like NO should I?
she said I'm your niece (is that spelled right?(
well anyway we started talking after not talking for over 6 years and before that 6 years we always used to play together go to the swimmingpool or whatever but we got talking
turns out she's living in Miami for the last 5 years so I called her today, and it was a good phonecall... but now I'm sort of sad for not seeing her ...

so I thought why not put my feelings down on some paper , which I did so here they are

Losing the Ones

VERSE: 1
you got me thinking
when talking for only 2 days
look after your family
don't let it go to waste.

VERSE: 2
we started calling
on both sides of the pond
I know I miss something
but it isn't gone


PRE-CHORUS:
You got me crying...
for losing contact with you...

CHORUS
Losing you...
we were never close
but I can feel you now
Losing People...
don't let it happen
no not to you...
All of the things That I put myself through
it wasn't worth it, it caused losing you


VERSE: 3

We're not together
but remember the times
the swimming and laughter
I'll come back in your life


PRE-CHORUS:
How can I Feel this
I know it's not right..


CHORUS
Losing you...
we were never close
but I can feel you now
Losing People...
don't let it happen
no not to you...
All of the things That I put myself through
it wasn't worth it, it caused losing you


BRIDGE:

But you're not the only one
Though I wish you were here...
I can't be with you now,
there are others you see.
But in time I'll be back in you're life


CHORUS
Losing you...
we were never close
but I can feel you now
Losing People...
don't let it happen
no not to you...
All of the things That I put myself through
it wasn't worth it, it caused losing you

(c) Presley Roozenburg

Music to be added later

P.S. Reading it again made me realise there's probably not much sense in it ahh well...

have fun and say whatever you like:D

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Bohemian
Member
Since: May 04, 2003

Jun 12, 2004 11:46 am

btw

I put it down on paper in dutch
but I translated it cuz I don't like to sing dutch
so if there are any grammatical errors in there
please say so


well maybe I'll try singing it in dutch actually

might have that special something to it...

sloppy dice, drinks twice
Member
Since: Aug 05, 2003

Jun 18, 2004 09:09 am

Presley... I read these lyrics when you posted them, and to be honest, they don't really do anything for me. I'm sorry man, I'm not trying to get all negative on your work here, but you did ask for comments. I would like to make this constructive and say why I think I feel the way I do about these.

Knowing the background story of these lyrics does help me to "access" them. But it just seems like a sketch of an idea to me, because there isn't any imagery, or any kind of emotional hook here. I read through your lyrics, and nothing really grabbed my attention, it was just a series of short sentences describing how you feel. Well that IS a perfectly valid approach to songwriting, but I did not feel the pain of your loss or the joy of reconnecting with someone from your past. One way to do this is to use imagery that invokes the kind of feeling you want the listener to come away with. Or you could relate your emotions with some sort of physical sensation, like talking about how you feel the emptiness of loss hit you like blood draining from your face, or how the way you feel your family has grown apart feels like a vein that no longer pulses with life, or something like that.
Just a thought.

But hey, I'm just one guy here, and what do I know, right? Maybe I just like a different style of lyrics, and it's my issue. Not everybody likes everything... But I just wanted to share with you my thoughts because you asked for comment, and I figured I'd better explain why I said what I did.

Answer:On a good day, lipstick.
Member
Since: Jun 24, 2004

Jul 28, 2004 11:50 am

I understand where you're going with the lyrics, but I too was not "grabbed" by the words.
When writing lyrics I like to give the listener a "sketch" to work with, and have them fill in the colours (if you will). That gives the listener a more personalized experience from the song, rather than listening to a story. Similar to reading a book, getting to know the characters in your head - their appearance; their personality traits etc. You feel a personal attachment to them. It so often happens when you see a movie made from the book, the characters are never what you imagined, and it's all a bit of a let down ("Oh, the book is so much better than the film..."). Same applies to lyrics (IMHO). Give the listener the opportunity to create their own pictures.

Example:
"Father McKenzie wiping the dirt from his hands as he walks from the grave..."

No mention made of the death, the graveyard, the day, the weather, the funeral itself etc., but your mind "fills" in those parts.

You have a great idea behind your song, but I feel that it's very personal to you; and that may have missed drawing in the listener to the same personal level.

Of course, that's just Dennis Miller's opinion, he could be wrong.

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