Critique my lyrics
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Posted on May 07, 2004 09:05 am
Mauz
grrrrrrr
Member Since: Mar 29, 2004
OK. I guess I can't just make comments and then not post anything. Since I haven't posted any music yet (mailny because I have a bit of an inferiority complex), here is a poem I boshed off this afternoon. No editing. Just straight how they came out. Let me know what you guys think.
The tight rope called life (copyright - Mauz)
A perfect child,
Along for the ride,
The world at her feet.
A subtle smile,
Dark tan skin,
A birthmark beneath her eye.
Such talent, Such perfection.
The smooth words of wisdom,
So fragile in the end.
Yet that smile I will never forget,
Nor the bags beneath her eyes,
Those last words to go with her.
She walked along the tight rope,
But the end was in site,
She sliped and caught her breath.
Then fell unto her death...
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May 07, 2004 10:32 am I like this very much. The words feel good, the assonance and rhythm feel good.
I think a couple lines sound a little tired, the two I see are:
The world at her feet.
and
But the end was in site,
With so many other very nice and unique lines those two sort-of stand out to me.
I love the two closing lines:
She sliped and caught her breath.
Then fell unto her death...
I think you could use "to" instead of "unto". Just that "unto" sounds a little biblic. But if that's what you wanted, then you succeeded and you can just ignore me.
I like it alot.
MauzgrrrrrrrMember
Since: Mar 29, 2004
May 17, 2004 10:43 am BTW - if any of you were interested this was about a friend of mine who died from a heroine OD. He was the coolest dude, was a genius, was loaded and dated a super model. I have written a lot of stuff about him becaue I always looked up to him. I put 'her' instead of 'him' because my bass player wanted me to write some lyrics about a girl who dreamt of a bright future that was never to be. Sometimes painful things make the best sources of inspiration.
May 17, 2004 12:39 pm I think the lyrics are very powerful.
May 17, 2004 01:39 pm gives me a kind of a Keats-vibe. the whole beauty mingled with death theme. all good things end, and beauty is tied up in that. you seem to be speaking to that here a bit.
up until the line beginning with 'a birthmark,' the meter is awesome. you can almost hear someone singing that right now. beyond that it's hard to tell, but it could be equally as cool: many people i know can take lines that have strange meter and sing them into something much more interesting than what the line would have been had it stayed on track.
go ahead and record/post something sometime...
