completely inappropriate humor
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Posted on Sep 25, 2006 07:40 am
dbmasters
Administrator Since: Apr 03, 2002
A friend at work sent me this, I thought it was funny:
Three strangers strike up a conversation in the airport passenger lounge in Bozeman, Montana, awaiting their flights.
One is an American Indian passing through from Lame Deer. Another is a Cowboy on his way to Billings for a livestock show and the third passenger is a fundamentalist Arab student, newly arrived at Montana State University from the Middle East.
Their discussion drifts to their diverse cultures. Soon, the two Westerners learn that the Arab is a devout, radical Muslim and the conversation falls into an uneasy lull.
The cowboy leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine table and tips his big sweat-stained hat forward over his face. The wind outside is blowing tumbleweeds around, and the old windsock is flapping; but still no plane comes.
Finally, the American Indian clears his throat and softly he speaks, "At one time here, my people were many, but sadly, now we are few."
The Muslim student raises an eyebrow and leans forward, "Once my people were few," he sneers, "and now we are many. Why do you suppose that is?"
The Montana cowboy shifts his toothpick to one side of his mouth and from the darkness beneath his Stetson says in a drawl, "That's 'cause we ain't played Cowboys and Muslims yet, but I do believe it's a-comin'."
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Sep 25, 2006 07:50 am The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need... a new suit."
He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit." The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see; size 44 long." Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said.
Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck."Joe was surprised, That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years". Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked "How about some new underwear?"
Joe thought for a moment and said, "Sure." The salesman said, "Let's see... size 36." Joe laughed, "Ah ha! I got you, I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old. The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."
New suit - $400
New shirt - $36
New underwear - $6
Second Opinion - PRICELESS
Sep 25, 2006 10:24 am While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in," says the man.
"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."
"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the senator.
"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.
Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.
Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.
Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises... The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.
"Now it's time to visit heaven."
So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity."
The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell."
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.
Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.
He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.
The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. "I don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"
The devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning. ... Today you voted."
cooloFrisco's Most UnderratedMember
Since: Jan 28, 2003
Sep 25, 2006 12:27 pm ahhh, that was funny, especially the last one.
Sep 25, 2006 02:22 pm They are funnier than my favourite gypsy joke.
LokiCone PokerMember
Since: Apr 07, 2002
Sep 25, 2006 02:29 pm Does that gypsie joke involve a trough of butter?
Sep 25, 2006 02:45 pm Gypsy boy says to gypsy mum, "hey mum I was better than anyone at school at maths and english today, is that because i'm a gypsy?"
Gypsy Mum says, "It could be because we talk people into having their drives done up and we can count the money really well".
Gypsy Boy says, "But I was better at football than anyone and no-one could keep up with me, is that because i'm a gypsy?"
Gypsy mum says, "It could be, because we have to run away from people carrying large pieces of scrap metal and it keeps us fit"
Gypsy Boy says, "The funny thing was, when we were in the showers after the football when I looked at the other boys their willys were only 2inches and mine is 7inches, is that because i'm a gypsy?"
Gypsy mum says "No son...that's because they're all aged 8 and you're 35"
cooloFrisco's Most UnderratedMember
Since: Jan 28, 2003
Sep 25, 2006 02:52 pm wow hujambo, that is really inappropriate. but still funny. but still innappropriate. but...
TallChapAnswer:On a good day, lipstick.Member
Since: Jun 24, 2004
Sep 25, 2006 03:03 pm I could take serious offence to that one - being of Romany heritage - but it was 'kin' funny.
Favourite right now:
A guy goes into a bar with a set of jumper cables over his shoulder. The bartender says, "Okay, I'll serve you, just don't start anything."
Imagine a world with no hate; a world with no war.
Now imagine us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.
- Deep thoughts.
TadpuiI am not a crook's headMember
Since: Mar 14, 2003
Sep 25, 2006 04:31 pm LOL thanks for the afternoon pick-me-up you all :)
BeerHunterwww.TheLondonProject.caMember
Since: Feb 07, 2005
Sep 25, 2006 04:45 pm Here's a couple that I think still within the guidelines of this site - ;)
What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?
- They're hiring.
How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F... word?
- Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!
What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
- The position of the dirt bag.
What do you call a smart blonde?
- A golden retriever.
A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade. Who has the biggest boobs?
- The blonde, because she's 18.
Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
- Mace will do that to you
Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
- Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
steveopop musicMember
Since: Sep 27, 2005
Sep 26, 2006 02:56 pm A blonde walks into a bar...
"Ouch!"
pjkPrince CZAR-mingMember
Since: Apr 08, 2004
Sep 26, 2006 03:45 pm why are blond's belly buttons sore?
because blond guys are dumb too.
termite walks into a bar, and says:
where is the bar tender?
cooloFrisco's Most UnderratedMember
Since: Jan 28, 2003
Sep 26, 2006 03:50 pm [quote]termite walks into a bar, and says:
where is the bar tender?[/quote]
I don't get it...
HuePinnipedal Czar (: 3= Member
Since: Apr 11, 2004
Sep 26, 2006 04:10 pm What did Michael Jackson say to the catholic priest ?
-Hands off, I seen him first !
HuePinnipedal Czar (: 3= Member
Since: Apr 11, 2004
Sep 26, 2006 04:11 pm He's looking for the tender spot on the bar .
Sep 26, 2006 04:28 pm don't get it? come on, that's funny!
cooloFrisco's Most UnderratedMember
Since: Jan 28, 2003
Sep 26, 2006 10:21 pm okay hue now I get it. ergh...
Sep 27, 2006 07:55 am I might have heard this one here...
A horse walks into a bar, and the bartender says, "Why the long face?"
HuePinnipedal Czar (: 3= Member
Since: Apr 11, 2004
Sep 27, 2006 11:22 am Now, where would a thread titled "completely inappropriate humor" be without the completely inappropriateness of dead baby jokes ? I ask you...
Q: What's red and lies in all four corners of the room?
A: A baby that's been playing with a chainsaw.
Q: What's red, sits in the front of mirror, and gets smaller and smaller?
A: A baby combing it's hair with a potato peeler.
Q: What's red and white and screams?
A: A peeled baby in a bag of salt.
Q: What's the proper gift for a dead baby?
A: A dead puppy.
Q: What is red and crawls up your leg?
A: A homesick abortion!
Q: What is red and hangs around in trees?
A: A baby that was hit by a snow thrower.
Q: What's red and white and is spread all over the lawn?
A: A baby run over by a lawn mower.
Q: What's red, white and green and is spread all over the lawn?
A: Same baby, two months later.
Q: Why don't dead babies drive BMWs?
A: Because BMW jokes are almost as old as dead baby jokes!
Q: How many dead babies does it take to change a light bulb?
A: As many as it takes to make a pile high enough to reach the light bulb with.
Q: What's more fun than nailing a baby to a fence?
A: Ripping it back off.
Q: What's pink and spits?
A: A baby in a frying pan.
Q: What is bright blue, pink, and sizzles.
A: A baby trying to breast feed from an electrical outlet.
Q: What is pink and red and gurgles?
A: A baby munching on razor blades.
Q: What goes plop, plop, fizz, fizz?
A: Twins in an acid bath.
Q: How do you stop a baby from looking up at you with that cute little baby face and gurgling happily with that little baby mouth and waving at you with those little baby fingers and little baby toes?
A: Gouge its eyes out.
Q: Why is it so groovy to be a test tube baby?
A: Because you get a womb with a view.
Q: What is a sure way to stop a baby from crying?
A: With an axe.
Q: What's better than tying babies to your bumper and crashing?
A: Tying them to your tires and skidding.
Q: Why did the baby fall out of the tree?
A: Because it was stapled to the koala.+
Q: How do you get a baby out of a tree?
A: You give a Mexican a stick and tell him it's a piñata!
Q: What has 4 legs and one arm?
A: A Doberman on a children's playground!
Q: What's more fun than nailing a baby to a fence?
A: Ripping it back off.
Q1: What's red and white and goes 'round and 'round?
Q2: What goes red white, red red, white white red...?
Q3: What is pink and red and goes round and round?
Q4: What's pink and with a flick of a switch turns red?
Q5: What's red and chunky and travels, in a circle, at 190 mph ?
A: A baby in a blender
Q: Why do you stick a baby in the blender feet first?
A: So you can see the expression on its face!
Q: Why do you stick a baby in the blender face first?
A: So you can see it's feet pulling up into tiny little fists!
Q1: How do you get 1000 dead babies in a phone booth?
Q2: How do you get 10 dead babies into a Tupperware bowl?
A1: La' Machine!
A2: Use a blender.
Q: How do you get it out?
A1: With a straw!
A2: Doritos.
Q: What is worse than a dead baby in a garbage can?
A: Ten dead babies in a garbage can.
Q: What is worse than 10 dead babies in a garbage can?
A: One dead baby in a ten garbage cans.
Q: What's worse than a dead baby in a trashcan lid?
A: A trashcan lid in a dead baby.
Q: What do you do with 4 dead babies and a sheet of glass?
A: Make a coffee table.
Q: What have you got when four dead babies are piled on top of each other?
A: A stool.
Q: What is easier to unload, a truck full of Dead Babies or a truck full of bowling balls?
A: Dead Babies; you can use a pitchfork.
Q: What's the difference between a truck load of dead babies and a truck load of bricks?
A: You can't use a pitchfork on bricks.
Q: What's the difference between a barrel of water and a barrel of babies?
A: You can't shovel water with a pitchfork
Q: How do you load 100 screaming babies onto a truck?
A: A pitchfork.
Q: How do you unload a truck full of babies?
A: With a pitchfork.
Q: Why do you unload a truck full of babies with a pitchfork?
A: So you can tell which ones are still alive.
Q: How do you know when you hit a live one?
A: The pitchfork shakes
Q: How do you find the live baby in a pile of dead ones?
A: Jab 'em all with a pitchfork.
Q: What is worse than that?
A: At the bottom of the pile, there was one trying to eat its way out
Q: What is worse than that?
A: It made it.
Q: What is worse than that?
A: It went back for seconds!
Q. What's more fun that spinning a baby on clothes line?
A. Stopping it with a shovel.
Q: What's more fun that spinning a baby on a clothesline at 100MPH?
A: Stopping it with a cricket bat.
Q: What more fun than running a baby over with a car?
A: Getting it out of the tires.
Q: How is a baby like a grape?
A: They both give a little wine when you squish them.
Q: What have you got when you strap a dead baby to each foot?
A: Slippers.
Q: What's small, red, and can't turn around in corridors?
A: A baby with a javelin through its head.
Q: How do you stop a baby falling down a manhole?
A: Stick a javelin through it's head.
Q: What's small, red and can't get into elevators?
A: A baby with a javelin in it's head.
Q: What does a dingo call a baby in a pram?
A: Meals on wheels.
Q: What is pink, and with the flick of a switch, goes black?
A: A baby playing with a powerpoint.
Q: What's black and furry and crawls across New South Wales?
A: A baby covered in Funnel-Web spiders.
Q: Why does the husband always bring boiling water at a birth?
A: In case the baby dies, he can make soup.
Q : What's the worst thing a blind, deaf baby can get for Christmas ?
A : Cancer
Q: What do vegetarian dingo's eat?
A: Cabbage patch kids.
Q: What do you call a baby on a stick?
A: A Kebabie.
Q: What do you call a baby on a stick with no kidneys?
A: Donor Kebabie.
Q: What did the mother say to the baby on a stick that was crying?
A: "Shush, Kebabie!"
Q: What is the definition of revenge?
A: A baby with a dingo in its mouth.
Q: What's the difference between a baby and a bagel?
A: You can put a bagel in the toaster. You have to put the baby in the oven.
Q. What is brown and keeps it's juices in?
A. A baby in an oven bag.
Q: How do you spoil a baby?
A: Leave it out in the sun.
Q: Why did the shark fisherman stop at the abortion clinic?
A: Dead babies make the best chum.
Q: What's charred black and smells really bad?
A: A baby playing with a blow torch.
Q. What was the baby doing on the wall?
A. Playing darts. It was the board.
Q: What is 18" long, cold and stiff, and makes a woman scream in the morning?
A: Crib death.
Q: What's worse (or more fun) than a dead baby in art class?
A: Pinning it up on the bulletin board.
Q: What's the difference between a bucket of gravel and a bucket of placenta?
A: You can't gargle gravel.
Q: What's more fun than a barrel of dead babies?
A: Sticking pins in their eyes.
Q: Why are test tube babies the most beautiful ones
A: Because they're hand made.
Q: What do you do when your baby dies on Thanksgiving day?
A: Stuff the turkey with it.
Q. Why do babies have soft spots on their heads?
A. So the nurses can carry them around five at a time!
Q. What's the definition for pain?
A. Sliding a baby down a 50' razor blade into a pool of rubbing alcohol!
Q. What's the definition for gross?
A. A truck full of dead babies and one live one on the bottom eating his way out!
A woman was lying in her hospital bed recuperating after an intense 12-hour delivery of a bouncing baby boy. Moments later the hospital room door opened, and in walked the delivery nurse carrying the baby boy.
Suddenly, the nurse throws the baby on the floor, kicks it up against the wall, picks it up and twirls it around several times and throws it against the wall.
The woman gives out a loud scream: "MY GOD! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO MY BABY?"
The Nurse chuckles a little to herself and then says, "April Fool! He was already dead!"
I had no idea there were so many . People are sick... I actually had to remove some from the list !
Sep 27, 2006 11:23 am Thats not even funny...just sick...and, well, in appropriate.
cooloFrisco's Most UnderratedMember
Since: Jan 28, 2003
Sep 27, 2006 11:25 am i didn't read them all, cuz I was kinda not really feeling the subject matter, but uh, the last one actually made me laugh, and I kinda feel guilty.
Sep 27, 2006 11:27 am me either, I read about 5-8 of them...scrolled down and kept seeing the same keywords, so, well, not funny.
HuePinnipedal Czar (: 3= Member
Since: Apr 11, 2004
Sep 27, 2006 11:36 am Sorry, it just seemed, appropriately inappropriate . I guess not .
Yeah, I didn't really laugh 'til the last one, as well .
HuePinnipedal Czar (: 3= Member
Since: Apr 11, 2004
Sep 27, 2006 11:45 am Scrap 'em if y'a think they're too much .
Sep 27, 2006 03:56 pm LMAO!!! it's about time we had a joke thread
so this mom-to-be is giving birth in the hospitol, and the doc pulls the baby out and proceeds to slam it against the counter tops, thows it down and stomps on it's head and gives it an elbow-drop from the bed....the parents watch in horror as he completely rips the baby apart and then looks up and smiles and says "i'm just kidding, it was already dead"
boo-yah!
cooloFrisco's Most UnderratedMember
Since: Jan 28, 2003
Sep 27, 2006 05:29 pm oh boy WYD. This kind of embarrassment could be avoided if you just read the previous threads aka Hue's long *** post. yeesh.
Sep 27, 2006 05:34 pm haha, yeah, i read a few and all the baby stuff just reminded me of it....i figured just one more...and i totally dug you're response to it Db, very funny wording!....
shepherdsampatron saint of quality footwearMember
Since: May 30, 2002
Sep 28, 2006 07:37 am What's the difference between a virgin and a washing machine?
A washing machine won't follow you around for a week after you've dropped a load in it.
FunkDadyPNo Commercial Appeal.Member
Since: Jan 09, 2003
Sep 28, 2006 07:57 am You can delete this if it is too terribly awful.
What's the difference between a Catholic priest and acne?
Acne usually comes on a boys face AFTER he turns 13.
TadpuiI am not a crook's headMember
Since: Mar 14, 2003
Sep 28, 2006 10:28 am Holy crap! I'm going to hell for laughing at that one.
pjkPrince CZAR-mingMember
Since: Apr 08, 2004
Sep 28, 2006 12:04 pm since we've ventured into the 'other' inappropriate genre . . .
There's a lifeboat floating out at sea. In it, there's a Rabbi, a Priest, a lawyer, and a small boy.
The lifeboat springs a leak, but there's only one life vest.
The Rabbi says: "I've had a long and productive life, give the life vest to the young boy".
The lawyer says: "I want the vest, screw the boy!"
The Priest says: "ooo, do you think there's time?"
shepherdsampatron saint of quality footwearMember
Since: May 30, 2002
Sep 28, 2006 08:20 pm Jesus walks into a hotel, hands the clerk three long nails and says "Could you put me up for the night?"
BeerHunterwww.TheLondonProject.caMember
Since: Feb 07, 2005
Sep 28, 2006 10:55 pm Is it inappropriate to laugh? Oh well, hahahaha
Sep 29, 2006 10:21 am haha, my friend has a shirt that has a Native American Indian on it, and it says "it's ok, i have reservations"
pjkPrince CZAR-mingMember
Since: Apr 08, 2004
Sep 29, 2006 10:22 am that's good!
BeerHunterwww.TheLondonProject.caMember
Since: Feb 07, 2005
Sep 29, 2006 05:59 pm Honeymoon Willie
A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch. (OW!) Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor.
He said "How bad is it doc? .... I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancé is still a virgin - in every way" The doctor told him, "I'll have to put your Willie in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week." He took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided splint, and taped it all together; ... an impressive work of art.
The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries her, and goes on their honeymoon.
That night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal her beautiful breasts. She said, "You're the first; no one has EVER touched
these." He immediately drops his pants and replies, ....."Look at this,....still in the CRATE!"
