my confession
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Posted on Feb 03, 2006 03:00 pm
petruso
audio snob
Member Since: Jan 02, 2005
Ok, I've got myself into a gear realated pickle, and I just have to tell someone, so I figured a bunch of strangers is a perfect place to start. My wife handles all of our budgeting and finances, and does a remarkable job of staying ahead. I stay away from it because I'm bipolar (seriously) and because of this condition, there are times when the value of a dollar is hard for me to understand. Although I'm trying to get to a point where I make enough money in my studio to supplement our income, I still work 9-5. The job I'm currently in involves a lot of downtime in front of a computer. I spend a lot of time looking at recording toys and drooling. A couple of months ago I was in a hypomanic state and went to work. In that day, I applied for a credit card, got approved, and promptly ordered 1800 dollars worth of toys before realizing what I was doing. I've been paying it off with money orders behind my wife's back. I know this is wrong, but honesty is not an option here. I told her I won the toys. So ever since, I've been taking money off the top from recording sessions to pay on this card. My conscious is eating at me, but I have to do this under the table. The only problem is, we might be moving soon. If we do, I'll have to pay the rest off before we start looking for a new house, or else she would see it on our credit report. Thanks for reading this, I just had to tell someone. I have since shredded the credit card to keep this from happening again, but it's so easy to get credit. I would come clean with my wife, but since then I had another episode where I spent around 500 bucks on mr. t memorabilia, and she wasn't very pleased. I haven't found a medication that works for me, so I've just got to stay away from credit cards. I don't even carry my debit card anymore. All I can say is I'm damn lucky to have the wife I have. I feel horrible about this, but I think it would be better if I pull this off clean, then tell her about it after the fact. Thanks again for reading. I feel a little better already
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Jason H.Jack of all trades master of ___Member
Since: May 28, 2004
Feb 03, 2006 03:13 pm Well...If you have been paying this on time...And if you were to come clean soon, before she finds out the hard way, I am sure she has to understand. Granted she may be irritated more by the fact that you are keeping this from her...rather than the gear itself...
Your actions were probably not the best choice, but realizing your mistake and taking care of it is the best option out...and life goes on.
I am in the same boat...but I have not done anything like that. I get gear lust all the time but I can tell myself "I dont need this"...Still I often stare at gear and then look at my bank account to see if can get by...
I have become wiser about $$$ since I am about to have a child...The adult in me has surpassed the lil boy. I just dont want to be 50 yrs old with nothing to my name...
petrusoaudio snobMember
Since: Jan 02, 2005
Feb 03, 2006 03:37 pm It's not that she wouldn't understand, I just don't want to disappoint her. She's very supportive of me and my music, and I buy so much gear as it is...it was a very self centered move on my part. If I pay it all off, then tell her what I did, she might think it was kind of funny. I have an 8 month old son, but we're by no means struggling. This was just a momentary lapse of reason on my part, and my wife stresses over money so easily, I think I should get it paid off before telling her. By the way, the object of my affection was a akg 414 and the digital output card for my isa 428. And it has improved the quality of my recordings, so it wasn't a totally irresponsible purchase. I just need to make that money back quicker then usual. Although it is VERY hard to go to the bank with a wad of cash to get a money order, especialy since I have to drive past sam ash AND guitar center to get to the bank. So far I haven't had any relapses though.
Feb 03, 2006 03:42 pm ouch....geez man that is one sour pickle.....i'm a huge Dave Ramsey fan, and i can say this is a tent built on very shakey ground. i'm not gonna ***** ya out or anything like that, but i'd definately tell the wifey before she finds out some other way....i don't think she'll be calling a divorce attorney when ya tell her....but if this kinda thing keeps happing on any kinda 'regular' basis, i really think it could lead to a broken marrage. money issues are the NUMBER ONE cause of divorce in America today.
i've got a friend who is a cronic borrower of money from me and my friends, and he never tells his wife....his logic is 'what she dosn't know won't hurt her'....well 3 weeks after loaning my money, i had to remind him infront of her...cue the surprized face on the wife, cue the angry face from him to me. but i felt it needed to be done.....i've since decided never to let him borrow money from me without his wife's consent.
this is a symptom of a much deeper problem....since wifey handles all of the finiancial business, husband gets left out, and has no real clue on where they are. which leads to these kinda situations....i think if you both turned off the tv twice a month and went over the finances together, it would bring you two closer together. when you said i do, the preacher you two as ONE. all your money and assets became 'ours' and same for her. you are a team. there is no my money and her money. but i digress....really i have absoultely no room to talk as i ain't married.
dude i promise if you tell her TODAY it won't be as bad if she finds out on her own tommrow.
credit is evil, plain and simple...run the numbers all day and it still is stupid, and is certainly not a necessity in this country. that FICA score is just an "i love debt" score.....
it's this "i gotta have it now" and "i deserve nice things" mentality that we've drilled into america's subconcious that's made us debt rich and cash poor.
end rant
death to capitol one
petrusoaudio snobMember
Since: Jan 02, 2005
Feb 03, 2006 04:00 pm wow that was a nice rant...but we don't watch a lot of tv, and i know what our financial situation is, she just handles the details because it's her forte. the only way she'd find out is if we do a credit check, which we will only happen if we move. by the time we sell this house, get settled in a new area, and begin the process of buying a new one, i'll most likely have finished paying this off. credit cards ARE evil, dude. but I've shred this one, and it's the only debt we have other then the house, so it's really not major, it's just the fact that it'll let her down to know that i relapsed. america was built on the premise that we must all cover our asses, and that's what i need to do. the important thing is I snapped back to reality real quick and got rid of the card. they gave me a 7,500 dollar credit line, so I could have really done some damage. At the rate I'm going, it will be paid off in three months. Then it will just be a funny story when I tell her.
Feb 03, 2006 04:30 pm thats rough, but the way I figure it, if you are making money with the gear, or "on the side" so to speak, ya deserve a little bit of fun money, I have my little account off the family books that I use for my nights out, gear I need, etc...but then, my wife knows about, just doesn't pay attention to it...
Honesty is always best, I'd tell her...it'll suck, it'll be a fight, but it'll pass too, guilt never does...
In my house my wife runs the books for the family too, I make it, she manages it, it works cuz she's good at it...it'd be easier if I did it, cuz we wouldn't HAVE any money, just lots of cool toys.
petrusoaudio snobMember
Since: Jan 02, 2005
Feb 03, 2006 04:33 pm Oh, the guilt will pass when it's paid off and I can tell her about my adventure with a tongue in cheek.
BeerHunterwww.TheLondonProject.caMember
Since: Feb 07, 2005
Feb 03, 2006 04:38 pm Dude, what are you going to say when she asks "What else haven't you told me?"
I don't know about you but myself, I couldn't keep a secret like this without it eating at me. I also know that the issue wouldn't be the money. It would be the fact that I kept it from my wife. So, even paying it off won't make a difference (IMO)
Jason H.Jack of all trades master of ___Member
Since: May 28, 2004
Feb 03, 2006 04:50 pm Petruso...heres how I see it...
If you come forward and be honest about it I think you'll be ok. USUALLY.......USUALLY, what happens is, you expect her to blow up and thats not the case. I just see her being bothered that you kept it from her. It not so much the purchase if youve been paying it off ok...
Alot of us are in the same boat. We have gals who run the books and for the most part they are supportive of what we do...but lord knows if WE were running the books...we'd all be living in moms basement but we'd sure have some tasty gear.
My gal is the same way. She gets leery when I start mentioning gear, and rightly so. But we never argue over it (yet), because the stuff gets paid for...Everything I have is paid for. Recently tho I told her about my plans to pickup something like a Presonus FirePOD or a Delta 44...another condenser (AKG Perception 200) a headphone amp (Behringer or Presonus) and quit possibly new software throughout the year, considering all child expenses are taken care of...(so make it the next 5 years)
petrusoaudio snobMember
Since: Jan 02, 2005
Feb 03, 2006 04:58 pm I do feel bad, but if I tell her about it, she'll cut corners to pay it off quickly, and I'd feel even worse if she had to pass on a couple of trips to denny's(jk) because of something I did. We've done really good on our finances (both cars paid off, no credit cards, ahead on the mortgage) and that's because of her obsessive-compulsive planning. The money I make in the studio goes to my toy fund anyways, so I'd rather just pay it off from that, and after it's all over with, she'll be a lot less stressed out. I know it's never good to keep things from your spouse, but I've got to make an exception here. Hey, at least I'm not smoking crack or cheating on her
Feb 03, 2006 05:08 pm Well, whether smoking crack or buying gear, you are spending money behind her back...so it's not really that much different at the root level...they are both expensive, they are both addictive...
I dunno, man, I am just listening to you rant, being that ear, but really, well, if she was spending money on something and not telling you how would you feel...I dunno, I'd be pretty pissed off myself...
petrusoaudio snobMember
Since: Jan 02, 2005
Feb 03, 2006 05:18 pm I don't know, I'm pretty laid back about those things. As long as there's food to eat, the bills are all paid, there's money in the bank, and the baby's wearing cute clothes, I don't have a problem with her buying studid things...only problem is she never buys anything for herself...and she'll be mad if I tell her now, and mad if I wait until I took care of it...only difference is she won't have to make any adjustments if I take care of it behind her back. Besides, it is something that improves the quality of my work and it does help me generate money, so it's not wasted money. Gear lust is an addiction, and she realizes that. It seems like with each piece you buy, you realize what else you could use. Before I was making any money from recording, convincing her to let me buy gear was un uphill battle, but now she's all about it, but I spend so much more then her...I don't want her feeling like she needs to cut costs to compensate for my splurge...I'm not covering my *** to avoid a fight, I just don't want her overreacting, because I'm sure you know that guilt from a woman is the true WMD.
Feb 03, 2006 05:33 pm Quote:
Besides, it is something that improves the quality of my work and it does help me generate money, so it\'s not wasted money.
Yeah, my wife came to that same conclusion a while back, rather than being an expense, she started realizing it paid for itself...if that is the case, then maybe being honest with her, telling her, and if she knows it makes money too, then it's win/win, you don't have a secret, she doesn't have a fit...
Quote:
It seems like with each piece you buy, you realize what else you could use.
Yeah, a lot of people think like that, in the last couple years I have come full circle and realized I can downsize and still do as much music...I have actually been downsizing over the last few years, not have lots of stuff, but having few things that do a lot...
Whatever you decide, good luck.
Remember, if the wife ain't happy, ain't nobody happy...
petrusoaudio snobMember
Since: Jan 02, 2005
Feb 03, 2006 05:55 pm ...I have actually been downsizing over the last few years, not have lots of stuff, but having few things that do a lot...
I did the same thing awhile back, about when I started taking recording more seriously. I used to look at the nice toys, then buy whatever I had the money for at the time. My setup became a random assortment of cheap sound generating devices. I decide to break it all down and start from scratch using only nice things. But it still ads up. It seems like once you get a clean signal path and some plug ins, you could do just about anything with the right amount of skill. But being a lazy american, I love the convenience of having things simplified. And by being a gear addict, I love the thought of having a room full of rackmounted boxes for everything. I know I want to get the two channel distressor. I also know I can get my tracks to sound warm enough with the plugins I currently have. But I know that as soon as I have 2700 dollars to spare, I'll be making that call to Sweetwater. I'm an addict, but luckily my addiction pays for itself. It's like being a crackhead and selling crack on the side, I guess. Thanks for listening to my stituation, and I do wish I could go back and not slip up like that. But it's too late now, I've just got to keep recording, and pay it off. The worst part of it of course is hiding it from my wife, but almost as bad is the fact that I'm in the hole, and it will be twice as long before my toy funds are raised enough to go get that distressor
Feb 05, 2006 10:29 am Hi,reading between the lines I think this is already eating into you,but when its paid your dilema will be 'to confess or not'The trouble is when time has passed and you dont feel so bad, something else you need to have will appear.We have separate accounts but she still buys stuff for me,then I pay it back so she can't use it against me.After being in debt in the past this works for me.If it were me I would get rid of it and forget it,but Im not sure this would be right for you.Good luck.
shepherdsampatron saint of quality footwearMember
Since: May 30, 2002
Feb 05, 2006 12:39 pm This may be harsh, but since I'm just a stranger on a message board, I think you can take it...
You are not only lying to your wife, you're lying to us and yourself if you're blaming your spending spree on being bipolar.
The least you can do is come clean to your wife, if you can't handle that, then the gear is the least of your problems.
Feb 05, 2006 01:40 pm Yeah, I tend to agree with that, but then, it's not me and it's not my wife...lying (or hiding) is just never a good idea...
Feb 05, 2006 11:21 pm I vote come clean as well. Not to relieve your guilt, but because your relationship with you wife must be an honest one.
TallChapAnswer:On a good day, lipstick.Member
Since: Jun 24, 2004
Feb 06, 2006 03:00 am Yeah, those last three posts.
'er indoors and I have a no lying policy. It's so much easier. If I want gear, I save, and then I tell her. She usually understands. If she gives me "that look", I wait.
It's your relationship you need to be investing in. The rest will come in time.
2 cents worth. But saved, and spent with 'er indoors' approval.
petrusoaudio snobMember
Since: Jan 02, 2005
Feb 06, 2006 04:54 pm Thanks for all the advice. The hardest thing about making a mistake is admitting it. I'll instead cover my booty and make a promise to myself never to let my toy fever get out of control again. And to the guy who called me a liar, judge not lest ye be judged...
shepherdsampatron saint of quality footwearMember
Since: May 30, 2002
Feb 06, 2006 05:12 pm You posted above that you told your wife you won the gear.
Which part of that is not a lie?
Also, are we to believe that you can lie to your wife but you wouldn't lie to a bunch of strangers on a message board?
petrusoaudio snobMember
Since: Jan 02, 2005
Feb 06, 2006 05:18 pm what motivation do i have to lie to a bunch of strangers? geez. I said i screwed up, i don't see how that bothers you so much?
Feb 06, 2006 05:37 pm Well, he wasn't saying he didn't lie, what he did say is "judge not lest ye be judged" which, well, I have to agree with.
petrusoaudio snobMember
Since: Jan 02, 2005
Feb 06, 2006 05:49 pm right on
Feb 06, 2006 06:37 pm haha, pull a verse out of the bible and call it true. Wouldn't that part about letting your "yes be yes, and your no be no" (i.e. don't lie) be true as well? ;-)
Feb 06, 2006 08:38 pm I think its great that someone can feel that our advice is valuable and reasuring to know that any of us may need this.Ok Ive just got in from a gig,got a whiskey n coke and yeah,a bit mushy.
Feb 06, 2006 09:33 pm Petruso,
After reading all of the back-and-forth above, it seems that you are looking for our blessing to not tell your wife about it until it is paid off. Nobody has stepped forth and given such a blessing. That should tell you something.
It's tough. You've come to the right place, because we've all been there. But the RIGHT thing to do as a MAN is to pull yourself up by your boot straps and come clean. After she pulls her boot out of your ***, you'll both feel better. Have her help you come up with a plan to pay it back, without depleting your gear budget. Have her help you find a way to set aside enough money to by that Distressor. Make it her goal too. It'll all work out...
Give her some credit, she IS your wife.
That's all I got to say about that. Good Luck!
Jim
Feb 06, 2006 09:36 pm Or, he wasn't looking for anything more than to simply get it off his chest and vent/confess and not really looking for feedback (which likely won't happen on any message forum anywhere, ever).
Feb 06, 2006 10:11 pm Come on agony-aunts, Lets Rock.
shepherdsampatron saint of quality footwearMember
Since: May 30, 2002
Feb 06, 2006 10:13 pm First off, I'm not a judge, just giving you my opinion. If it wasn't opinion you were looking for then why did you start this thread?
Secondly, the word liar describes one who lies or has lied. You lied to your wife, this is a fact. I believe (due to my familiarity with bi-polarism/manic depression) that you are also being misleading at best and lying at worst by blaming a simple lack of will on a serious affliction that many suffer quite seriously from.
If you're looking for peace of mind, you'll not find it in meaningless confession to strangers, you'll find it by correcting what you feel to be the injustice you've done.
If you're looking for a pat on the back and encouragement to continue your present course of action then I don't think you'll find it here.
For what it's worth I don't think you'd be wasting anyone's time with this if it wasn't bothering you somewhat, if that's true then stop making excuses and do something about it. If it's not then why do you care?
Feb 06, 2006 10:17 pm Quote:
For what it's worth I don't think you'd be wasting anyone's time with this if it wasn't bothering you somewhat
Now, there is a bit of truth there, so, petruso, how does that make you feel?
*** grabs pencil and paper to take notes ***
Feb 07, 2006 12:14 pm Better run,here comes Vlad the impaler.
petrusoaudio snobMember
Since: Jan 02, 2005
Feb 07, 2006 01:39 pm I did post it because it was bothering me and I figured the safest thing to do would be to tell a bunch of strangers. Besides, it's always a little amusing when you get self righteous know-it-alls getting up on the soapbox to proclaim their expertise in whatever the topic is. Something tells me Sheperdsam is a big time bush supporter;)
Feb 07, 2006 01:46 pm Well, now, while you may well feel sort of attacked,which I can sort of understand, you can hardly be surprised that some people would jump on it because, well, you are lying and some people have issues with that. I would suspect your wife would as well since you haven't told her and apparantly have no intentions of telling her, that would lead me to believe you are pretty confident it would result in a bad situation.
I can personally, and very honestly say, I have never borrowed money behind my wife's back. While I am in no position to throw stones, cuz, well, nobody is perfect, I do personally think it's a huge mistake, and I fail to see why you get very surprised or offended that people think it's a bad thing to do.
I know forums are full of toughguy know-it-alls behind their keyboards, I hardly think I would call somebody who thinks lying to your spouse is wrong and says so "self-righteous", and for many people, being called a "Bush Supporter" isn't an insult.
pjkPrince CZAR-mingMember
Since: Apr 08, 2004
Feb 07, 2006 01:54 pm me thinks:
bush-supporter = supporter of truth.
kerry (or other dem) supporter = hiding truth is O.K.
Pretty clear message there petruso.
If you don't want people's opinions, then don't post your quandries in a public forum.
If you don't like people's opinions after they're posted, don't read them, or take them to heart. Beerhunter isn't forcing you to change, only stating his opinion, just like you have.
Feb 07, 2006 01:57 pm I am strongly resisting the urge to edit pjk's post...let's NOT let this turn into a lib/con dem/repub debate now.
Face it, they are politicians, they ALL lie...and if they posted that fact in a public forum they'd likely be scolded as well.
pjkPrince CZAR-mingMember
Since: Apr 08, 2004
Feb 07, 2006 01:59 pm fair enough, but I was only pointing out what was being pushed forward. not adding my opinions, only pointing out posted points.
i agree, politicos all lie. I won't debate that one =).
petrusoaudio snobMember
Since: Jan 02, 2005
Feb 07, 2006 02:32 pm This is nice....We've got into politics AND religion on this. That's funny. I do feel a little better now that I've told a bunch of strangers, but I'm still going to do the wrong thing here. It's the American Way. Hoo-rah! I feel bad about it, but my srewup will stay hidden like a ninja in the night. And that's just the way it has to be. btw....politians lie?
Feb 07, 2006 02:35 pm Well, that's on you, if you are OK with it, I certainly am not going to take it any farther...oh other than I have narrowed down your location to city and ISP...so maybe I can find your wife and tell her... :-)
Just kiddin...well kiddin about the telling her, serious about the rest :-)
And any self-respecting ninja can hide in the day too...
pjkPrince CZAR-mingMember
Since: Apr 08, 2004
Feb 07, 2006 02:38 pm Good on ya, Petruso.
Good luck with the house hunting and all that.
shepherdsampatron saint of quality footwearMember
Since: May 30, 2002
Feb 07, 2006 02:39 pm It wasn't meant as an attack, you started the thread, I offered my opinion and then you got all defensive.
I'm not even American but I do find it funny that you would presume to know my political leanings when I consider myself to be pretty much apolitical.
You came on here, admitting to have lied to your wife and then blamed it on a very real affliction that had nothing to do with your problem.
I take umbrage with that but do not think that I am judging you as a person, all I know about you is what you've chosen to share and that in itself is somewhat in doubt.
Anyway, I'll make this my last post on the subject since you obviously don't really care what any of us think.
Here's a little hint for the future... When you ask for opinions and then disagree with the ones you get, it is you who appears self-righteous.
Feb 07, 2006 02:45 pm thread closely approaching lockableness...
petrusoaudio snobMember
Since: Jan 02, 2005
Feb 07, 2006 02:55 pm I don't have a problem with people saying I messed up and should right it. I do have a problem with mr. sheperd implying that I don't have a "very real affliction" That's a low blow. And yes, a self respecting ninja can hide in the day, too. Can we just kill this thread and talk about toys? I'm bored and my consious won't leave me alone
Feb 07, 2006 02:59 pm Quote:
I'm bored and my consious won't leave me alone
mission accomplished? ;-)
Isn't it just as low of a blow to yourself, or at lthe very least not honest and not accepting responsibility to blame the problem on some gear hording problem? Selling yourself kind of short saying you don't have enough will power to not spend money you don't have...or on being bi-polar, which, by the way, I do know people that have it, it's not something to be taken lightly, thats for sure.
Actually I am finding this little thread rather interesting. If level heads prevail we could all likely learn something.
shepherdsampatron saint of quality footwearMember
Since: May 30, 2002
Feb 07, 2006 03:14 pm Petruso,
I'm not trying to imply that you do not suffer from being bi-polar and I certainly did not think my comments would lead to dB considering locking this thread.
If I've offended you in any way, I apologize but I do know quite a bit about manic depression and it has nothing to do with your lust for gear (that's called being a musician- something all of us here suffer from).
Now I've gone and broke my own promise of not posting on this thread but I did want to clear the air, I wish you all the best in resolving (or not resolving) this issue, we're all just music junkies here and I do not want to be the cause of any friction.
Feb 07, 2006 03:25 pm shepherdsam lied about not posting again
petrusoaudio snobMember
Since: Jan 02, 2005
Feb 07, 2006 03:32 pm Okay, we can all hug now. I'll take responsibility for the gear lust getting the best of me, but I will stick to my guns and say that me blowing my last bonus on mr. t memorabilia was definitally the bipolar. I've never before or sense felt an urge to collect any memorabilia, especially not mr t. I even tried contacting his agent to get him to visit my brother in the hospital. Luckily the episode died and I became morbidly depressed again before I was able to find mr t's agent and start talking money. You gotta take it lightly, like a woodpecker with a headache. Or else you'll make yourself even crazier. My wife is pretty cool. she actually laughs about the time she woke up and I was gone, then a day later I called her from Florida (we live in nevada) and told her it's better there and I'll just go find a job and we can sell the house and move and bla bla bla...I was there about two weeks, actually got two jobs, then had the worse depression of my entire life. I drove back home and was given a choice, see a doc or she's gone, I chose the doc and three years later I still haven't found a balance. I'm not so sure I could be as understanding, so I guess it's a good thing I'm the crazy one in our house. I've done some really embarrasing things when I was out of control, all I can do is take it lightly now. When the crash comes you take it seriously enough to make up for the lost time
Feb 07, 2006 03:33 pm Might I say "Pity da foo"
She laughed about that? Holy crap you have an understanding wife...
petrusoaudio snobMember
Since: Jan 02, 2005
Feb 07, 2006 03:39 pm That's what I'm saying. She's pretty durn cool.
Feb 07, 2006 03:40 pm then why...
oh, never mind...
petrusoaudio snobMember
Since: Jan 02, 2005
Feb 07, 2006 03:41 pm well, because...
um....
well, just because
Feb 07, 2006 03:43 pm fair enough.
