Lyrics for Critique: Blossom

Posted on

sloppy dice, drinks twice
Member Since: Aug 05, 2003

I'm trying a new kind of feel and style with my lyrics. All opinions welcome. Thanks for looking.

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Do me, she crooned across the fire to me
matching flames' intensity
but when I speak she breaks apart,
her body splitting diatonic'ly
I taste the syllables of her name, and she
leaps into me, melody stroking fingers into being
lift my soul up, and feel my body breathe in
flick'ring rythymatonal synergy

Chorus:
Smoothly silken shards of harmony
waves of sound are crashing over me
she centers me now - her song slips into me
through nooks and crannies, blossom into being

My toes that dig down, they don't apologize
rooting down they anchor onto me
My fingers too, they long to dance with her
entwined into a blur they be
My body built to be so filthy crude
Her music washes over me so cleanly
Zesty's how I find your tune
sparkled string she flutters effervescently

Chorus:
Smoothly silken shards of harmony
waves of sound are crashing over me
she centers me now - her song slips into me
through nooks and crannies, blossom into being

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Member
Since: May 03, 2004


May 18, 2004 06:14 pm

I'm going to read these thoroughly this evening. I'll post either tonight or tomorrow.

Member
Since: May 03, 2004


May 18, 2004 08:35 pm

This is a very sexy lyric. I like the way you have associated sound and music with the sexual experience. You make some very interesting images and choose your words nicely.

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Do me, she crooned across the fire to me
matching flames' intensity
but when I speak she breaks apart,
her body splitting diatonic'ly
I taste the syllables of her name, and she
===============================
Incredible line. Very visual: "Taste the syllables"
I really like that thought…
So sexy even her name gives a sexual rush!

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leaps into me, melody stroking fingers into being
lift my soul up, and feel my body breathe in
flick'ring rythymatonal synergy
===============================
Cool… and all this for a song…I really like this.

===============================
Chorus:
Smoothly silken shards of harmony
waves of sound are crashing over me
she centers me now - her song slips into me
===============================
Now that's cool: "Her song slips into me"
You paint very sexy, powerful pictures here and keep the action words up too.

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through nooks and crannies, blossom into being
===============================
I don't care for "nooks and crannies" sounds lightweight to me considering all the other more provocative words you have chosen.

===============================
My toes that dig down, they don't apologize
rooting down they anchor onto me
My fingers too, they long to dance with her
entwined into a blur they be
===============================
That last line throws me. Placing the "they be" on the end makes it sound non-conversational to me. Sounds a little too "classic" poetry.
But look at what you have (*ending words removed for clarity):

My toes that dig down, they don't apologize
rooting down they anchor *
My fingers too, they long to dance with her
entwined into a blur *

Geez, that's incredible… the closing words:
Apologize, anchor, dance with her, and blur

rhyme in one way or another and in some cases, more than one rhyme! And all really singable too. Great work!

===============================
My body built to be so filthy crude
Her music washes over me so cleanly
Zesty's how I find your tune
===============================
I don't understand the "Zesty" line.

===============================
sparkled string she flutters effervescently

Chorus:
Smoothly silken shards of harmony
waves of sound are crashing over me
she centers me now - her song slips into me
through nooks and crannies, blossom into being
===============================
This is really good. Enjoyed them I hope my comments make sense and if not, don't hesitate to discuss. Please disregard them if they don't ring true to you. I really love the unique way you have expressed this song.

sloppy dice, drinks twice
Member
Since: Aug 05, 2003


May 19, 2004 11:21 am

Hi CompSems, thanks for your thoughts. I enjoyed reading another person's take on the lyrics. I appreciate your kind words. As I said, this is kind of a new approach for me, I'm trying to put as much thought into the lyrics as I do the music. It probably stems from a recent self-imposed crash course in poetry - I had to research it for something I was putting together for my coven, and was really impressed by the complexity and beauty in the way language is used by many poets to paint pictures and describe emotion. I've never been into poetry all that much, so this is a very new step for me.

"...and all this for a song." You are right about that, the whole thing is about playing music. I suppose the lyrics are about that magic moment when you're sitting with friends and playing music, how the music seems to take you to another level of consciousness while you're playing.

I purposely included "nooks and crannies" in the chorus because the "lightweight" phrase was, I felt, a nice, centering contrast to the swirly, floofy way I described the music "crashing over me" like ocean waves. I like that it's a little offbeat, and at this point I wanted to make a reference to the fact that the song is blossoming up out of me with no distinct origin, and springing from the nooks and crannies of my inner being.

re: the "zesty" line - you are not the first person to say that. Again, I purposely chose an offbeat word, and what I was trying to express was a vibrant, passionate, love-of-life kind of feeling. However, as my wife put it, '"zesty" makes me think of a condiment...' So I dunno, maybe that'll change later, maybe not... hahaha it does kind of appeal to me, but I hate to lose my audience at this point! :)

I can understand what you mean when you talk about how 'Placing the "they be" on the end makes it sound non-conversational to me', and I probably wouldn't leave it that way if this was pure poetry - but it's not... The song is meant to be sung out loud with music, and I think the line as it stands is interesting and strong when sung aloud with the music. So it's the sound of the words and their beat I'm going after, rather than a consistent tone in the printed word. I don't think that the bit there would throw a listener to the extent that it affects a reader. That bit probably won't change.

Thank you for taking the time to go over this with me, I really appreciate it. This is a new realm for me, and feedback is appreciated very much! I always welcome honest feedback, whether it's about my lyrics, songs, whatever.

Member
Since: May 03, 2004


May 19, 2004 12:17 pm

I look forward to some more. I have another I'm working up, so stay tooned.

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