rules for a band

Posted on Oct 19, 2007 05:41 am
Geoff
SM7b the Chuck Noris of Mic's
Contributor Since: Jun 20, 2002

1. Never start a trio with a married couple.
2. Your manager’s not helping you.
3. Before you sign a record deal, look up “recoupable” in the dictionary.
4. No one cares who you’ve opened for.
5. A string section does not make your songs sound any more important.
6. If your band has gone through more than four bass players, it’s time to break up.
7. When you talk on stage, you’re never as funny as you think.
8. If you sound like another band, don’t act like you’re unfamiliar with
their music (“Oh, does Rage Against The Machine also do rap-rock with political lyrics?”)
9. Asking a crowd how they’re doing is just amplified small talk.
10. Don’t say your video’s being played if it’s only on the Austin Music Network.
11. When you sign to a major label, claim to have inked the best contract
ever. Mention “artistic freedom” and a “guaranteed three record deal.”
12. When you get dropped, insist that it was the worst contract ever, and
that you asked to be let go.
13. Never name a song after your band.
14. Never name your band after a song.
15. When a drummer brings in his own songs, and asks to perform one of them,
begin looking for a new drummer immediately.
16. Never enter a Battle of the Bands contest.
17. Learn to recognize scary word pairings such as “rock opera,” “white
rapper,” “blues jam,” “swing band,” “open mike,” etc.
18. Drummers can take off their shirts or they can wear gloves, but not both.
19. Break it to your parents, it’s rock ‘n’ roll, not a soccer game.
They’ve gotta stop coming to your shows.
20. Getting a tattoo is like sewing platform shoes to your feet.
21. It’s not a “showcase.” It’s a gig that doesn’t pay.
22. Don’t hire a publicist.
23. Playing in Acron, Ohio doesn’t mean you’re on tour.
24. Don’t join a cover band that plays Bush songs. In fact, don’t join a
cover band.
25. Don’t stop your set to ask that beers be brought up. That’s what
girlfriends and boyfriends are for.
26. If you use a smoke machine, your music sucks.
27. We can tell the difference between a professionally produced album cover
and one you made with the iMac your Mom got for Christmas.
28. Remember: if blues solos are so difficult, why can so many 16 year olds
play them?
29. Cut your hair, but don’t shave your head.
30. Pierce your nose, but not your eyebrow.
31. Don’t wear shorts onstage. Or a suit. Or a hat.
32. Here are some Rock oxymorons: “major label interest,” “demo deal,”
“blues genius,” “$500 guarantee,” and Fastball’s second hit.”
33. Three things that are never coming back: gongs, headbands,
and playing slide guitar with a beer bottle.

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